Six months ago today, I stood before a judge with my husband at my side, and signed the final papers that would, 30 seconds later, make him my ex-husband. As brief as it was, I suspect I will remember that moment for the rest of my life. I stood there next to the man I had just spent the last 14 years of my life with and actually told a complete stranger that I wanted a divorce. Then, I heard him say the same. Seeing as this was the first time he had ever actually spoken those words, it hit hard. I managed to use all my strength to keep the tears away, walked out of the courthouse, and we went our separate ways. Then I went home and cried.
It has actually been nine months, total, since speaking those words that cannot be taken back. Who would think that four little words (I want a divorce) would change my world forever? The three months between starting and ending the legal process were torturous. We lived in the same house - happy family by day, separated as soon as the kids went to bed. Trying to keep things looking normal for the kids was ridiculously stressful, as well. Add to that the normal day to day life of a job and kid duties, and it was, well, a difficult time. The help of amazing people, and the grace of God, are the only things that got me through some of the worst days of all.
When I signed the final papers, of course, I had no idea what the future held for me. I imagined some day I would end up in another relationship, or that I might move somewhere else, or even that I would just live on my own for awhile. I knew it would take some time to get my finances re-arranged, and to get myself and the kids used to this new life. I knew it would be difficult, but at the same time, I was already relieved that the pressure of living in a bad marriage was finally off; I could finally begin the process of rebuilding my life for me in a way that would make me happy.
Although there have been ups and downs along the way, and lots of them, depending on the situation, things have started to level out a bit. I finished my master's degree by earning a scholarship to pay for my last two classes, have somewhat successfully integrated several new initiatives into my classroom at work, and held down the fort for me and the kids with no one ending up missing, starving, or naked from running out of clean clothes.
I started dating a little bit a couple months after the divorce was final. Nothing too intense, really just something to do while I killed time, I guess. Although the men I went out with were nice people, there was no connection there. Doesn't mean the dates weren't fun, they were (except the strange guy that I am pretty sure would have married me that night if I had suggested it), but I had no expectation of anything more. I left the dating scene for a variety of reasons, and pretty much just started living life day by day. I cut some negative people out of my life, and decided that only positive influences were welcome here.
I am thrilled to say that I am now in a serious, strong, and healthy relationship with one of the most amazing people (man or woman) I have ever had the joy of knowing. I had forgotten how good a healthy partnership feels, and how comforting it is to know there is someone else to count on. In other words, I am being forced to learn that I don't have to do everything by myself (even though I want to).
Although I still have my moments of sadness and frustration, I am completely happy with the way things are going. I have no regrets at all, which confirms for me that this was the words I spoke nine months ago today, and the papers I signed six months ago, were very right in this circumstance. I will never advocate divorce as a good thing because it isn't, but since my marriage left no other options, I am glad things have gone as smoothly as they have, and that the healing process is moving along nicely for both me and the kids. And, of course, I am always thankful for the amazing, strong, kind, and loving people who have walked with me through some or all of this long process.
No comments:
Post a Comment