Christmas Excitement - Bring it on!

Today I am enjoying a relaxing Sunday afternoon with my kids. I got to soak in the tub, Alex is enjoying his Xbox he got from his grandparents about a month ago for Christmas, and Skylar is watching a tv show on her iPad while she makes some kind of glittery craft. We're going to head to Girl Scouts in a bit, and I keep running through my mind what to buy for my children for Christmas on my limited budget. Getting antsy to go shopping, but I have to wait to payday.

I started to write on my Facebook that I am enjoying my Sunday before beginning 3 days of craziness at school before Winter Break. Then I decided, in my effort to be more positive, to try to put a different spin on things. Here goes...

Will it be crazy? ABSOLUTELY! Will the kids listen? PROBABLY NOT. Will they be full of chatter and excitement for the break and Christmas? FOR SURE. And that's it, right there. These students are kids. In their bodies, both little kid and grown up sized, are little kids at heart. They are excited because they are children gearing up for what is often the biggest, most exciting day of the year. Whether they get 2 presents or 20, they are still super excited. The beautiful lights on houses, trees being decorated, stockings hung, presents starting to pile under their trees. It's a lot for a kid to take in, and then focus on school! Heck, I sometimes find myself consumed with thoughts of what I need to decorate next when I get home!

So, now I am on my quest to figure out how to make this week not about me yelling at them about how their education is important and they need to sit down, be quiet, and take this opportunity to learn something, but to capitalize on their excitement, have some fun with them, and make the most of the joy of the season.

Don't get me wrong, we do have work to do, thanks to a broken copier and projector screen (modern technology is not always as great as it seems). We will get it done, but we will blend it it with fun. The kids have been asking for Christmas music. They've actually been asking me to make Christmas cards for their loved ones for over a week. And, maybe we'll play an "educational" movie while we work. The Grinch is educational, right? Clearly, calculating the speed of his sled going down the hill based on the slope and weight of the sled is mathematics, right?

Carpe Diem! Seize the day!

First, let's get this out of the way...1200+ page views! Really? I'm flattered and honored, and awestruck. Thank you so much for reading. I really appreciate it. Now, on to the good stuff.

We're gearing up for that busy time of year again, if we're not already in it. School is one-quarter of the way finished, fall sports are winding down, Halloween is on its way, we're in that weird weather phase of needing heat one day and a/c the next. After the Halloween hype is over, it will be time to start thinking about Thanksgiving, and then *gasp*, Christmas! In addition, at this particular moment, the northeast is in the midst of some kind of storm that I can no longer keep track of. Maybe it seems to be going more quickly than usual because I have also been caught up with stuff at work, which ultimately is only bringing me down. That has got to go! Resolution number 1 - get over work crap! Enjoy the good stuff in life and leave the rest of it behind!

I'm also inspired by the Caring Bridge journal kept by the family of Will Lucas, a little boy who was struck with an aggressive brain cancer a couple years ago, and recently passed away when his little body just couldn't fight anymore. If you're in for some sad, but courageous, stories, grab a box of tissues and a loved one and head on over to http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/willlucas. There you will find the blog written by Will's beautiful mother as she and her family move through her young son's battle with cancer, including the aftermath as they attempt to heal and move on with their lives, if that is even possible.

Anyway, she wrote that Will's birthday was sometime recently. They decided that in honor of Will, they would hold carpe diem day! The point was not really to do anything particularly special, but to delight in the things you were doing as never before. For example, if you were taking your morning walk, stop to look at the pretty flowers on the ground, or marvel at how those pesky fire ants really get from one spot to another (but stay FAR away from their hill, or...well you know!). If you are on the phone with a family member, take the time to really tell them you love them, enjoy their company, and appreciate them for all that they are. If you're just sitting and reading the newspaper, take in the full story you would have otherwise ignored.

So, I am promising myself to seize the day a little more often! For a worrier like myself, that is no easy task. I mean, what if my plans go wrong? What if I forgot something? What if I could have done something better? What if? What if? What if? In my attempt to live in the moment, I have given up a lot of that worrying. If you don't believe me, just ask my friends. Plans go awry? Seize the day! Use it for something else! Forgot something? Seize the day and make it work another day or another way! Found something better along the way? Seize the day and go do that instead!

Earlier today I asked Skylar, age 12, when Mimi and Papa (my parents) were coming to visit. She told me it would be in 4 weeks. I said, "and guess what we're going to do the weekend before they come!" "I already know, clean the house," was her response. Not quite what I was going for. I was planning to decorate for Christmas, even though it will be ridiculously early. Of course my house will be clean when they arrive, but this year, I'm going to try to put more effort into focusing on the fun stuff, the good stuff, the stuff we will really remember in 100 years. Do I really want my kids telling their kids, "and every time we had company, mom made us clean like crazy people for an entire week first"? Or, would I rather they tell their kids, "and mom would let us decorate for Christmas even though it wasn't even Thanksgiving yet!" I think I'll take the latter. It makes for a much better story. Kinda makes me sound cool, I think.

I've got four weeks til my family gets here, yay! My mom and dad, and brother, will be at the airport in almost exactly 4 weeks to the hour as I write this. I think I will spend that time doing the majority of the sprucing up myself so that the kids and I can enjoy the Carpe Diem-ing it in a couple weeks when it's time to get out those decorations and get ready for our first Christmas celebration of the year! Time goes so quickly. Sometimes it's hard to remember to enjoy the moment. As a closing thought, I really like this quote, which quite nicely sums up everything I just tried to say:

“We're so busy watching out for what's just ahead of us that we don't take time to enjoy where we are.”
― Bill Watterson

Another year's about to pass...

My birthday is exactly one month away...I will be 34 years old! I know some of you are going to tell me how incredibly young I am, but I have to tell ya, most days I just don't feel it. Between waking up at 5:45 a.m. just to get my youngest on the bus, and rushing off to a workday that now starts earlier than ever, teaching one more class and several more students than I ever have, then running home to my own 6th grader in need of math help and attitude adjustment, a 3rd grader who has become quite the perfectionist, dinner (is there time to eat?!), forcing reluctant kiddos into bed, and getting myself to bed at a decent hour, I'm feeling quite old. And let's not forget, the importance of finding time for myself. Better squeeze it all in on Wednesdays and every other weekend! I must also admit, even- numbered birthdays always make me feel old...don't ask, it's just a quirk. The one thing that always makes me feel better, however, is remembering that my very best friends from high school and most of college, are ALL older than me, some by a whole year. One of the few advantages of having your mom start your schooling at age four, instead of having her wait the extra year :)

I'd like to sit and reminisce about all the things I have accomplished in the last year, but much of it is a blur. I do remember my birthday last year being absolutely sad and depressing. Although it's not about the gifts, it also sucks when you don't get one. Now, my awesome mom and dad DID send me money, but it was a month early, and I think I spent it on work clothes, woo hoo. The kids' dad did get a gift card to Half-Price Books, which I normally would have loved, but he was shoving it in the envelope as he walked through the door, tossed it at me, and told me he didn't know what I'd like. I remember standing there thinking, "14 years, and you don't know what I'd like?" Yeah, a good indication I did the right thing. Some people who normally would have gotten me gifts just didn't, and some didn't even recognize it; I sat home by myself wondering what had happened. I don't want to sound like a brat, it was just a totally different experience for me, and a little tough to take at the time.

I guess I actually have accomplished a lot. The year actually has flown by My kids, especially Skylar, have gotten huge, tons smarter, and far more independent (finally, thank you God!). We took in some animals for fostering until they found their forever homes. And somehow acquired our neighbor's dog when I yelled at him about calling animal control the next time he got out. I've had to eat my words a few times when he got out on me, too.

I've learned how to work with someone I sometimes despise, because it makes my kids feel better. I've learned how to better choose my battles and words (but I'm still working on this one!). Unlike many people, I take a lot of heat before finally deciding I've had enough. I'm learning to be less tolerant. My kids and I have spent a lot of nights, just the three of us, laughing at ourselves and each other, and sometimes yelling at ourselves and each other. I've learned to be more patient with them, as they experience bad days, just like I do.

I have had the great pleasure of watching my little girl turn into a beautiful and amazing young lady. She thinks she hates me often enough, but when it really matters, she gives me nothing but love and compassion, even when I don't really deserve it sometimes. She has begun taking care of her brother and herself independently, making me realize just how fast time has gone by. When she sees me sad she always offers me a hug and tells me she's sorry that I am feeling sad. She tells me it will all be okay soon, and that she loves me. She's right. Today she sent me a text to tell me that she loves me. Just because she thought I'd want to know. I love her, too. More than she will ever understand (at least until she has kids of her own).

Professionally, I think I have pulled things together quite nicely, thanks in large part to the powers that be who finally decided to actually give me curricula and materials. I'm enjoying my job, finding it easy to stay organized and on task, and look forward to going to work each morning to see what new challenges my school babies will bring my way. In my fifth year of teaching, I am finally feeling like a real, live teacher. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just good at faking it til I make it. Maybe I've finally made it, at least temporarily. Hopefully, I will never think I have completely made it; I don't want to be come lazy and disengaged with my teaching.

I guess this year has had some serious ups and downs, luckily more ups than downs. I try to remind myself that God is just using them to teach me something, even if I don't know what it is. Living in the moment is a challenge to a control freak like myself. I mean, doesn't God know I am perfectly capable of planning out the rest of my life? Why does he insist on proving me wrong? Geez Louise!

By the time I finished this post, it is actually now 26 days until my birthday. I actually decided to take my life into my own hands and pull together my own girls night birthday celebration for myself. I'm looking forward to it in so many ways! For now, I will focus on enjoying my odd-numbered age, and all the joys of being a multiple of 11. On a side note, last year I told my students I was turning a multiple of 11, and one of them yelled "77!" I'm so proud he knows his multiples :)

Back to school...again...the 2012 version

Here we go again - the start of another school year is upon us. Teachers in my district have already been working for a week, preparing ourselves and our classrooms for those little souls who will walk through our doors Tuesday morning. For the first time ever, I am really looking forward to what I think will be a really solid, productive, and positive year.

Of course, with every school year, change is inevitable. New teachers and leadership, initiatives and laws, students and situations, curriculum and materials. Sometimes it feels like education is a never ending revolving door, where things just come in and out so quickly; it is sometimes blinding. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but can become overwhelming when one just gets used to something new, just to have it change again in a couple months. I always thank the people in charge for the vote of confidence...if they didn't think we were amazing enough to keep changing gears, they wouldn't ask us to keep doing it!

I am particularly excited because, finally, after fours of teaching math intervention, we are being given an actual curriculum to use. No more looking through tons of resources for just the right thing, just to find it needs to be adapted anyway. I and my teammate have found this so time consuming that we get burnt out each year quite quickly. I like going into this year knowing exactly what is expected of me, and, most importantly, how to do it.

Now it's time for a little bit of my soapbox regarding my role as a teacher of children.  There are two things I truly believe about children, and how I want to regard them.

First, middle schoolers are little kids! I know some of them have big attitudes and others have big bodies. They may have big problems and other big things in their lives. But they are still little kids. They like to think they know and can handle anything, but they're not quite as strong as they like to think. Children of this age lack experience and judgment that adults have; more importantly, the lack the emotional maturity required to be as independent as they like to act. This is not to say that they are stupid, because they surely are not. It's just a reminder to be gentle with my words and actions, and to remember to treat my students as I would want my own children to be treated in school.

Second, I actually detest the phrase "at risk." I understand it's intent as a way to identify children who may be in need of some extra attention in various areas, but who is to say that a child who doesn't have that label is in fact, not at risk? It is impossible for a teacher to tell exactly what goes on in a student's home as they grow accustomed to hiding it well. There is no way for me to know if a student is dealing with an absent parent, financial issues, drug or alcohol dependency, family issues, lack of food in the house, or a variety of other issues. More than anything else, this is the key - even well-behaved white children who do not receive free lunch or live in poverty can be just as at risk as the children or have been labeled as such. As a result, I prefer to try and teach each child as he or she is at risk. This is such a vulnerable age; anything can be a cause for crisis in an adolescent's mind.

So, with 3 days left to go, I'm putting on my official teacher hat, getting ready for that first day of school, and looking forward to a fantabulous year (yes, I am a professional word-maker-upper).

Cleaning House

I admit it - I have been ridiculously lazy all summer in the housekeeping department; the last two weeks have been the worst, however. Whenever I mention this shortcoming to others, I tend to get the friendly support that it's school break, I'm supposed to be lazy. As much as I would like this sentiment to be true, the reality is that if I don't get this house in shape now, it certainly won't happen once I get back into the grind of going to work daily, only to come home and help my own kids with their schooling (although I confess, they are both very bright and independent, so it requires little effort on my part, thank goodness!). The kids are with their dad today, so I decided today is the day!

I started by tackling Mount Cloth, which I swear is a magic mountain, as it keeps reappearing. Even with my kids doing their own laundry for years now, the pile is always there! This time, due to my laziness I have spent most of the day re-washing stinky laundry from leaving it in the washer overnight, or de-wrinkling clothes that I left in a heap for too long before hanging. I have also tackled a ton of blankets and other stuff that just annoys me to wash. I am about 4 loads away from finishing this chore. Days like this make me appreciate the laundromat; 3 hours and all the laundry is done for a long time! I've also worked on deep cleaning the kitchen, which of course required an hour of light cleaning first. More than three hours later and that's all I've finished. Kind of disappointing.

On another, related, note, I wonder how much house cleaning I need to be doing in the rest of my life. Too often, the cobwebs in our bodies, hearts, and spirits fill us to a point where we cannot live our lives to the fullest. How much of that can be cleaned out and thrown away? For me, I have decided on a list of things that need to go; the list is not chronological, and more than one thing can be destroyed simultaneously.

First on the list, continue to kick the soda habit. It is so unhealthy for the human body, is empty calories (meaning helps gain weight or prevent weight loss), and is a very expensive habit these days.  So far, I've done pretty well; I am very impressed with myself as I had become downright addicted.

Next on the list, kill the fast food habit.  Like the soda, there is nothing good about greasy, highly processed foods going into the human body. Also, it is equally expensive. My last trip to McDonald's pretty much did me in when we were all feeling sick to our stomachs immediately upon eating it. The challenge here will be when I go back to work. I tend to have all my breaks around lunch, meaning I have plenty of time to sneak out and grab something. No more, I say! If my co-workers could just drag me back in the door when you see me sneaking out, I'd greatly appreciate it.

Third, eliminate all people who cause me more stress than peace. There's not very many people like that in my life, as I try to get rid of them as quickly as possible when they become nothing but negativity in my life. Sometimes, however, that is easier said than done, especially when family, close friends, and feelings are involved.

Fourth, re-establish healthy sleep and routine habits. I do not function well with little sleep, making it more difficult to fight all the cobwebs above, in addition to making me mighty grumpy to people who deserve to be treated better (everyone!). Also, I thrive on routine. I need structure, to know what's coming next, and to have a plan when it doesn't work out that way. Of course, life happens, and plans change, but having a place to get back to makes it easier for me to deal. Getting back to work will help in this area. As much as I'd like to stay home forever, I have to acknowledge work is good for giving me structure.

I think four cobwebs is enough to clean out at once, so I will stop there. I hope you will take some time to evaluate what it is in your "house" that needs cleaning. Then, find a plan to get rid of it. On that note, I must return to cleaning my real house, which is actually part of my re-establishing my routine and structure. Happy cleaning!

"Okay" is Not Okay...Okay?

If you asked me to name my pet peeves, the first thing that would like come to mind would be my aversion to the word, "okay."  I attempted to look up the word at www.dictionary.com, and couldn't even find a real definition. All that I could find was five different slang uses for this word, but not an actual definition. Shouldn't this follow the same logic as "ain't." If it doesn't have a real definition in the dictionary, it's not a word. Sadly, "ain't" has made it's way to www.dictionary.com, with a note that it is typically used by the uneducated. Interesting. So, back to my original objection to the word, "okay," and why it just is not okay to use it :)

 The ambiguity of this word is what turns me off; that and one's ability to provide an un-committed, generic, and uninteresting answer or question by simply using the word, "okay."

For example, "Are you okay?" How many people are really going to say, "No." It's a vague question often asked by those who feel the uncomfortable need to ask something, even though they really don't care to hear the answer, or may be afraid of it. I despise this question because it's answer is so easy to evade. A simple, "Yes," is all that is required to satisfy the asker, and go about your day.

The thing is, I am always okay, even if I don't feel it at the moment. Unless I am dead, or in a hospital bed about to be dead, I am, in fact, okay. I have a home, clothes, food, people who love me, a steady job, and access to medical care when need. I live in a safe neighborhood, in a safe city, in a  safe country (like it or not, there are far worse places to live than the United States!). And, even when one of those things is missing, I am ultimately still okay, because I've got some of the others to pull me through.

So, what kind of question is it to ask if I'm okay? It's generic, and asking it is setting yourself up for a generic, one-word answer, almost definitely, "Yes." How about something a little more interesting and open-ended. "You seem quiet today, I'd like to hear about it." Or, "I see you're excited, what's going on?" Or, "I hate you, care to respond?" (So that last one isn't the best example, but it sure beats, "Are you okay?" lol). Or if you really don't care, and are using the generic question to fill the awkward silence, say nothing at all, change the subject, or find someone else who is more inclined to respond to vague questions.

On the other end of this word, is the person who answers with the word, "okay". When I ask, "How are you feeling today," I want a real answer. "Okay," is not a real answer. It's a cop out, a way to escape the question. Perhaps on occasion, one might be okay. Maybe you just found out you have a serious illness, and you are dealing with it as best you can, but certainly not good. This would probably be an appropriate use of this word. Overall, however, using "okay" as your standard response is lame and boring, and maybe disrespectful. After all, if someone is taking the time out of their day to truly and thoughtfully ask how yours is going, it wouldn't hurt to be respectful enough to give them a thoughtful answer, would it?

Getting Along

It's been a very long time since I last wrote. I'm not sure why, maybe life kept me super busy, or maybe I just didn't have much to say (hahahahah, like that could EVER be the case!). Either way, I've learned a valuable lesson over the last week or so; the importance of getting along with my ex, even when I'd rather not. Obviously, this type of behavior is not an option in every situation, but in mine it is, with a lot of effort on both our parts. Sometimes I don't want to put in that effort, but Alex, especially, has shown how important it is for us to do so.

Today, my ex was kind enough to take the kids so I could go on a date before my boyfriend went away for several weeks. I went to pick up the kids and found them swimming when I got there. "Come on in!" they called, but I didn't have my bathing suit. I did go sit by the pool though.  Apparently the three of them had a "family meeting" and decided it would be great fun to soak me with cannon balls until I changed my mind. Fifteen minutes later I found myself wading through 4 feet of water in denim capris and a heavy t-shirt. Could I have worn any worse clothing for such an occasion?!

Anyway, Alex is now all snug in my bed with his happy little boy face, having fallen asleep as he talked about how much fun it was for Mommy AND Daddy to play tag in the pool. And, I admit, it was fun for all of us to just relax and splash in the pool, even if I was fully clothed. It is my new resolution to find a way to make it happen more often. Even if it means both of us putting on our big girl panties and dealing with it. If it makes my kids feel happy and secure, it is surely worth it.

Non-iversary?

Monday, March 26, would have been my 12th wedding anniversary.  I haven't decided how to feel about that.  Right now, I feel pretty much nothing.  While I had been dreading this day all month, I had almost forgotten about it until I looked at a calendar yesterday.  I'm not feeling the nothing where your body, mind, and spirit are void of any emotion, but more of a "big deal" type feeling.

Tuesday, March 27, will mark the one year mark from me deciding, and telling Dan, that I wanted a divorce.  Of course, I've said it before, nobody "wants" divorce, but I felt like it was the lesser of several evils, and my hand was forced in this instance.  In the end, it was my decision, but lack of action on his part was a decision in itself.

Tuesday will also be the 15 year anniversary of our first date, to Utica Zoo, in New York State.  It was fun.  And look what it led to.  No, it didn't lead to divorce and misery.  It led to many years of a happy marriage, and a beautiful family for both of us to share and love.

Although I'm doing well now, this last year has been quite the roller coaster ride, as I expect is quite normal. I had my moments of extreme sadness and  happiness, regret and relief, seeming like it went by quickly and seeing it take forever. And even though there is still an occasional fleeting moment of sadness, I have recovered, healed, and moved on with my life. I've been told that I appear happier than I ever have, go figure.

In the past year, I have also seen a few friends go through this same process.  I am still not sure I'm not contagious.  Maybe because I'm a big fan of fake it til I make it, I make it seem too easy and non-chalant.  Or, maybe it's a sign of the times.  Either way, watching my friends go through it, kills me.  I know what they are likely feeling, and what is probably ahead of them.  I remember friends telling me certain things would happen, and I didn't believe them.  They were right, however.  So, I decided not to warn my friends, because it won't do any good anyway.  I spend a lot of time sitting and listening, and only advising when asked.  This part is so difficult for me, because I like to solve problems :)

Being a mom, my main concern, of course, is the well-being of my children.  If they're okay, I'm okay.  They are okay. What a relief! Nothing kills me more than seeing my babies hurting.  The fact that they have survived and done well, is something I am fairly proud of, and thankful to their father for.

So, there it was.  My pretty boring reflection on something that could have been so much more...exciting? Depressing? Interesting? I don't know what it could have been, but I know what it is.  This is something that happened in my life, what I consider a long time ago.  It's over and done with, meaning the days of worrying about it have been, and will continue to be, over.

Myers Briggs Personality Indicator

I took this oh-so-insightful test this morning. Again. It seems I went through a phase when I was in high school/college/seminary when I took this test at least yearly.  It's been a few, and I'm pretty bored today, so I decided to try again.

My results are...INFJ, meaning I am a little bit introverted, intuitive, feeling, and judging.  This what the website had to say about this:

http://www.personalitypage.com/INFJ.html

I have to say, this test was scarily accurate.  Although I tend to hover toward the middle of all indicators (except judging, that was 83%), I certainly have tendencies that are easily identifiable by those who know me at all.

For example, I thrive on orderliness.  I like to know what's coming my way, and get agitated when things instantly change.  This is not to say that I get into a crazy frenzy, or I wouldn't make a very good teacher.  In settings where I expect change, like teaching, I handle it well.  When I expect things to stay the same, I don't handle that change so well.  I have learned to keep it under control externally, but inside my insides are churning.

Another example, I am amazingly intuitive.  I have gut feelings fairly often, and they are almost always right.  I often "just know" when harm is coming someone's way, and am often right about this, as well.  Because I am intuitive, I sometimes come across as a know-it-all, which can cause problems with others.  As a result, I tend to keep my perceptions to myself, until asked to share. You're welcome :)

In addition to my intuition for events, I am usually very good at reading people.  Sometimes this makes people uncomfortable because I can "pick out" that thing they were trying to hide from the outside world.  On the other hand, when they realize they've been "found out," they often become more open to sharing, which they find helpful

The test results also indicate I can be a bit stubborn, which I most certainly am not! Insert crossed arms and pouty face. Okay, I can be.  This annoys even myself sometimes. At the same time I am easy going, as evidenced by my lack of having injured any of those 65 lovely and angelic middle school students that enter my classroom every day.

So, there you have it.  Serious insight about who I am.  Maybe this will help y'all understand what makes me the curious, eccentric, and interesting woman that I am.  If that is all possible to understand.

Broken Seashells

(See previous post, "Uniformity and Homogeneity", then know I took the pen to paper, and wrote this...)

I am at the beach writing today - by myself.  I must have randomly picked the right one, because this beach is nearly empty.  The waves are rolling in at just the right height and rhythm to be soothing, which is an awesome thing!

I spent the first hour walking the beach, letting the cold water wash over my feet while I picked up seashells; most of them were broken. "Why would I pick up broken shells," I wondered.  At first, I thought it was to spite my mother, after her many years of telling me to put them down. "We are not taking home a bag of broken shells!" she would insist.

But then a thought occurred to me, as they almost always do.  Aren't we all broken in some way?  Isn't everyone dealing with something that left, or leaves, us hurting just a bit?  I think it's safe to say the answer is yes.  This is not to say we are all laying in a heap on the bed crying ourselves to sleep, but maybe we are.  Perhaps, it just creeps up on us when we least expect it.  Maybe we do expect it but, don't know how, or want, to stop it.

Or, perhaps, while it broke us at the time, we have found a way to heal ourselves, leaving it as a mere memory.  Seashells are not this lucky; once it is broken, the damage is done, and there is no going back.  Unlike the shells, we have the power to heal ourselves, and to help other heal themselves.  Leaving the broken shells on the beach would have just left them to sit there until they broke to a point of no repair.  Leaving broken people will do the same.

I suspect this is the point where you expect me to tell you how to go about healing yourself.  I can't.  Healing has to come from within.  Maybe it's deciding to give it time, or to do something to heal yourself.  It could even mean calling on others for help, but in the end it is still up to us to choose to recover.  Either way, its up to the individual to decide for themselves, then do it.  I will offer one disclaimer, however.  It is always best to deal with brokenness in healthy ways, not with things like alcohol, drugs, promiscuous sex, self-injury, or other self-destructive behaviors.

So, even though my shells are damaged, some more than others, they still have beauty and value left in them. When I get home, I'm going to take my beautiful broken shells, carefully wash them off, and look for their beauty.  Then, I'm going to put them together. My goal is to find a way to make them beautiful again, both together with the other broken shells, and each on its own.

"One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory"

"One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory" --Rita Mae Brown

I disagree with this quote.

Happiness, in itself, is one of those things that everyone wants, but few know how to get.  Many people spend years, if not their entire lifetime, looking for this thing called happiness, only to find it can never really be "found."  According to Brown, in the quote above, the key to happiness is a bad memory; meaning in order to be happy you have to be able to forget the past.

But, is forgetting the past always a good idea?  Isn't the past where we learned from mistakes that we, hopefully, won't make again?  Isn't that where we learned what worked and what didn't, so we can move forward and do it better next time?  I understand the appeal of forgetting the past, especially when it hurts.  Things that people have said or done to us even years ago can haunt us forever if we don't make ourselves forget.  Or, even worse, things that we have said or done to others can also haunt us if we don't make ourselves forget.

So, I'm wondering if it's not so much the bad memory that is the important part, or the ability to file it away for future reference.  For instance, say a good friend went behind your back at work and caused a lot of trouble for you there.  I bet you were mad, as you should have been.  But just forgetting it may not be the best course of action.  Maybe the better solution would be to process it, take what you've learned, then file that memory for later, if it ever ends up useful at a later date.  Maybe you learned to be careful about figuring out who is or isn't trustworthy before divulging your every secret.  Or maybe you learned that some things are better not told.  Whatever it is, don't forget the past, learn from it.

The other issue I have with this quote is that "happiness" is merely a construct.  It cannot be defined because it looks different for every person.  My idea of happiness is probably a nightmare to some people, while the lives that others live is clearly not for me.  This is perfectly fine, as long as each of us is happy in what and where we are in life.

Because happiness does not really exist, searching for it is nearly impossible.  It cannot  be found, but it can be created.  Each of us has the choice to be happy or not; no one can make that choice for us.  Sometimes it stinks that someone can't just come along at tell me, "be happy!" and make everything okay.  But life wouldn't be worth much if it was just that easy.  I consider it a great accomplishment when I am able to take whatever is bad in my life, file it away for another time (or not at all), and create happiness within myself based on all the blessings I have.

Uniformity and Homogeneity

I sometimes wonder what I would do if I were required to come up with something to write about on a daily, or even weekly basis.  Clearly I am not cut out for that type of job, and I have gained a very high level of respect for people who are.  My question is always, how do I make ideas come to me when nothing will?

Many years ago, when I was in college, when I had this problem, I had several strategies to cure this problem.  One of them was to take a real, live, pen and paper to a quiet spot and just start writing.  It almost seemed as if the actual process of moving the hand sparked creativity in ways that simply typing on a keyboard does not.  I also found this strategy useful in seminary, when the same thing would happen.

While I am very pleased with the advancement of technology, and will not argue that it has opened doors that we have never even seen before, I often wonder if the nature of such technology might be causing us to lose some of our creative spark.  Let's take a look at children's toys for a moment.  I would be surprised to find one that does not talk, ding, play music, or move.  It makes me sad when I see children pick up a toy and quickly put it back down again when they realize it doesn't "do" anything.  I remember this happening with my own children, who actually had little access to such toys, and explaining to them that the joy in toys that don't do it for you, is that you can make it do whatever you want.  They were very pleased with this answer for a long time.  Then Alex hit the video game age.  Luckily, Skylar never did get into them, and it appears that Alex is phasing out of it (thank you, God!).

Another example that comes to mind is musicians today.  It is difficult to find a song on the radio that has not been "enhanced" in some way.  Then, due to the fact that their recorded music has been altered, artists find themselves in the unfortunate position of having to lip sync in their performances, for fear of sounding less like the artist we know on the radio, or *gasp* making a mistake!  For awhile, the new sound was amazing and interesting.  Now, however, it makes almost all music sound the same.  Again, this is sad, because we are turning into a culture that values uniformity, not the unique talents of individuals. Technology is not completely to blame for this shift, however; it is largely us, as human beings, forcing this undistinctive nature of the world around us.

As teachers, when we are lucky to find students who we might label eccentric, they are likely our least favorite students.  Why?  Because they don't fit within the norm.  They challenge us, keep us on our toes, and make us think.  I have a love/dislike relationship with students like this.  Having too many of them throughout the day often leaves me tired and frustrated, but at the same time glad to have been able to successfully overcome that hurdle for yet another day.  These are the students I will remember most, probably because they are the ones that demanded the most attention. And, in the end, I surprisingly reveal them as some of my favorites :)

I am in Houston today, enjoying some very much needed time off.  I'm much more relaxed than I have been in awhile. Even sitting here in my hotel room, the different atmosphere has given me an entirely different outlook for now.  The change of scenery helped me re-kindle the creative spark that I have missed so very much.  So, in a couple days, when I return to my regular, every day life, and you see me sitting 'neath a tree, laying on a park bench, sitting in my car, or doing any other unusual thing, just smile and know that I am likely on my way to some ingenious idea, which you just might get to read here.

Happy Birthday Alex!

Eight years ago today, I gave birth to the most amazing little boy I have ever had the pleasure of knowing.  As I laid there gazing into his gorgeous green/brown eyes, with his father by my side doing the same, I just could not believe the wonder that was placed in my arms.  Alexavier Daniel was the second perfect baby to be born to us, and it was just miraculous!

Alex certainly was different from the rest of us.  He was loud right from the get go.  He made his poor sister cry every time he did!  He had the most awful reflux.  He went through several changes of clothing daily (bibs were a joke compared to the spit up), cried non stop when his medicine ran out, and puked on and in everything imaginable, including my shoes, which landed me in a postpartum breakdown where I cried for hours about how I just couldn't be a mother anymore.  Luckily, those moments don't last, or we'd never have any children!  We also found out when he was 9 months old that he was anemic, which quickly explained why he was always cold, and therefore would not sleep through the night without being held or sleeping in a snowsuit Yes, we put him in a lightweight snowsuit, and called it his bananasuit because it was yellow and the hood was kind of pointed. We were so sad when  he outgrew it.  He survived what should have been deadly carbon monoxide poisoning, and made it through all the normal perils of infant-hood.

This little boy has lived in 2 states and 5 houses.  He has seen it all, from city living, to rural village, to subdivision, though sadly, he only remembers the latter.  He is the product of an extended breastfeeding, cloth diapering, make your own baby food, stay at home mom, and a dad who worked his butt off to provide for us.  He is also the product of his grandparents who we either lived with or saw daily, and his other set of grandparents who saw him every few weeks.  He went through having strange children in his home while I was a home daycare provider, then went to daycare himself when I went back to work when he was four years old.  He's gone to two different elementary schools, due to boundary changes, and had friends come and go like crazy.  He has played on various sports teams, some good, some bad, and participated in so many activities in school I can't even keep track.  He is incredibly smart, cute, and most of all, loving.  I see the best of me and his dad in him, and it makes me proud.  At his best, I know we have done well.  At his worst, I know his father screwed up (just kidding).

Alex is very much your typical little boy.  He loves to play, and laugh, and have fun.  He is way too cool to be seen hugging me in public, but when bedtime comes, he asks me to lay with him so he can hold my hand up to his face.  He read books that weigh more than he does, but then asks me to read Little Critter to him.  He is bold and brave, but gets his heart broken so easily when things don't go his way.  He wants to be big in so many ways, but in my eyes, he is just so very little.

In short, I love that little boy! I am so blessed to have him.  Every day, I try to remind myself that these days are short.  Even though, in the midst of a throw himself on the floor tantrum, it seems like it can't end fast enough, his kid years will fly by so quickly. Before I know it, he will be looking down at me, and be proud to give me a hug and kiss, as he heads out the door to go back home to his own family. That will be one of my proudest moments, as I will then have the chance to see the work that we have done coming alive in him.  But, for now, I'm enjoying my little boy kisses, silly jokes, and tickly feet.  I'm loving his love for all things sparkly, sports balls, and trading cards.  I'm trying to hold on to this very brief time in his life as tightly as I can.  Alexavier will always be my baby; I am so lucky to have him!

Spring Cleaning

Well, it's spring time once again, at least in the south, sorry northern friends.  Days are getting warmer, while nights are staying cooler.  In addition, I have had my windows open for the first time ever, really, which the cats are loving!

I'm getting ready to do my spring cleaning.  Getting out boxes to sort stuff that's laying around the house, getting ready to donate too small or unworn clothing, trash bags for the real trash.  And trying to come up with a new organizational system, since the one I have is clearly not working.  I am also gearing up to finish some unfinished projects, and finding a way to get my new tv on the wall, so my kitchen table can leave the living room, and return to the kitchen.  I also plan to dust every corner, vacuum ceiling fans, and find a way to clean those oh so dusty blinds.  Maybe, just maybe, I'll take the Christmas tree down, as well :o

At school, I am in the process of recycling student work that has been sitting on a shelf since I don't know when, organizing my desk and other belongings, and *gasp* starting to pull stuff together for next year.  I am dusting like crazy, and trying to get everything neat and tidy at the end of each day.  I have discovered I love my job much more when I walk into a neat and clean room, and the students tend to work better, as well.

As if that isn't enough to do, I'm thinking it's time to "spring clean" myself.  It's time to once again think about what I would like to accomplish in the near future, year, and perhaps even five years.  What am I doing to reach my goals, and what more could I try to make these things happen?

My brain has been lacking stimulation lately.  For example, I really miss taking grad school classes.  I miss having my brain full of useless information.  I need to challenge it daily to stay happy, and I haven't had that in 5 months.  My plan is to start taking classes at a community college, just to keep my brain busy.  Better get started with that.  In addition, I need to get back to scrapbooking and sewing.  I also need to use my creative side more, as it calms me more than anything else.

My body is still in need of revamping.  I'm getting there, but I could surely be more dedicated.  I haven't been to the gym in over  two weeks, and I can surely tell.  I have been eating better, but there's still room for improvement.  My short term goal is to get the gym three days per week for the next 2 weeks.  My long term goal is to reach my goal weight and measurements, which should take about 2 months if I commit to the 3 days per week and healthy eating.

Now for the dreaded topic - emotional health.  How do we spring clean our emotional health, and why should we bother?  I'm actually pretty proud of myself to say I've been doing a pretty good job in this area.  I have been careful about who I let into my life, and whether they get to stay.  I have become better at maintaining a gratitude journal, and trying to share my many blessings with others.  I have also been much better about being very careful who I spend my time with.  Not to sound snobby or anything, but I tend to take on the mood of those around me.  Therefore, I have to be very careful to surround myself with generally happy people, so that I can pick that up.

Why bother checking in with our emotional health?  Well, I believe it is truly the foundation of our well-being.  When our emotional health is suffering, so does our physical health.  It's been proven that depressed people can have trouble sleeping, eating issues, and are generally less healthy than non-depressed people.  People who are under a lot of stress or anxiety have the same issue. 

In summary, the point is, it's time to take care of not just our surroundings, but ourselves too.  It's important to remember that in order to be all the things we need to be (moms, dads, husbands, wives, friends, our profession, etc), we first have to take responsibility for ourselves.

A little bit of everything - aka catching up

Wow! It sure has been awhile! Guess I was busy living life, all while there wasn't much to say.  It's spring time, meaning the little one is back into sports, and my big one is learning to stay home by herself for the first time, since she is "too cool" to watch her brother's practice.  State testing is right around the corner, meaning teachers and students are nervous, tired, frustrated, and frazzled.  To look on the bright side, testing season also marks the almost end of a school year!  It has gone incredibly quickly, and I'm ecstatic that it is almost over. To say it's been a rough year is a serious under statement; we all need the break.

Speaking of school, my big kid is about to be a middle schooler - a MIDDLE SCHOOLER, for goodness sake! Where did my little baby who liked to swing on swings, be tickled on her belly, and think I was the smartest and most beautiful thing around, go? I know she's still in there somewhere, hidden beneath the preteen from he-- okay, I'll stop there with that one.

Despite her frequent episodes of pre-teen-hood, she is still the most beautiful, kind, and caring young lady I have ever met.  She is responsible, takes care of herself, and has even started taking care of her brother and me without me even asking.  She has learned that life is going to be okay, no matter what happens, and makes sure to tell me that when I need to hear it.  God, thank you for giving her to me to take care of for you!

Now, back to my little one, who is, apparently, not so little anymore.  He will be celebrating his 8th birthday in a week!  Oh my goodness! Where did my freckle-faced, big eared, toothless grinned, grubby all over, sticky uppy haired, little boy go? He, too is still in there, sweet as can be behind that all-boy facade.  He is just in love with life, and gets his little heart broken so easily when things don't go his way. He's so smart, but would would rather kick or throw a ball of some sort.  I asked him what he wanted for his birthday, and he said a football and soccer ball.  He already has at least 3 of each in different colors, sizes, and materials.  He takes one with him to school, to his dad's house, and to bed. He's growing up to be a real ladies man, I tell ya!  He's got the adorable face, broad shoulders, athleticism, personality, and class clownish that all the girls love.  Plus, after living with a sister for so long, he knows how girls work. God, thank you for also giving him to me to take care of for you!

The kids have adjusted fairly well to their new living arrangement, spending most their time with me, and a little time with their dad.  Alex misses him horribly, but is starting to understand it's a permanent thing, so he is learning to cope with it.  Skylar, being older, would prefer we be together, but is old enough to understand it won't happen, and everything will be okay despite it.

The sad news for me is that the man I love moved away.  Long distance is certainly not either of our things, so it's basically over for now, probably forever.  I'm happy for him, it's a good opportunity for him, and he needed the change.  I'm sad for myself, but I know I will move on; apparently something different is in store for me, and I can't wait to see what it is! It's funny how God always works in ways and at times we don't expect.

I'm coming up on what would have been my 12th wedding anniversary, and the one year anniversary of me speaking the unthinkable words, "I want a divorce."  I still think that is the biggest oxymoron imaginable, but don't get me started on that one again.  Right now I'm thinking it will be no big deal, but we'll see how that goes.  Unfortunately, that is a testing day, so I will have 4+ hours of absolute silence while I stare at students testing.  That could turn out to be a very, very bad thing.  Or, a very good one, we shall see.  Either way, I have been told repeatedly that I look much happier.  Apparently I appeared unhappy before, which I didn't realize.  Go figure.

I've started working out again, which makes me feel great.  That, and changing my eating habits every so slightly has made a huge improvement, in my mood more than my weight, and in toning what I've got.  Most importantly, I feel better, which automatically makes me look better :)

Finally, I have to thank my good friend for giving me the most vivid and accurate analogy of love and relationships I have ever heard.  Wading through your own and each other's sh*t to get to the other side and be with each other.  You keep going and going with a smile on your face so the other person doesn't stop and go back the other way, and when you both make it to the other side, you say, "I'm so happy to be here with you!"  You don't complain about all the stuff you had to trudge through to get there.  Boy, that one made me think.  And laugh.  It still gives me the giggles to think about it.

And that, my friends, is my last several months in a nutshell.  I have a lot more time for thinking and writing these days, so I may just grace you with a few more posts than I have lately.  For that, I know you are eternally grateful, but no need to thank me. Have a good night, ttyl, ttfn, and all that jazz.