So many thoughts running through my head, keeping me awake, so I figure I might as well just get them out on paper.

Conversation I had a couple days ago:
Guy: "I'm available, but I want to be honest with you that I am seeing someone."
Me: "As in you both know you're not exclusive? If so, fine. If not, no thanks."
Guy: "No, we're exclusive. I just wanted to be honest so you can make the right decision." WTH???

Thoughts on my "baby" girl's birthday on Sunday:
On birthday mornings, the kids wake up to a bunch of balloons in their room, which were hidden in my closet from the  night before. There is a gift on the floor, then another on the table. Breakfast of choice is served, then hugs and kisses off to school, or hang around the house and be birthday-ful, It's a great tradition. Skylar will be at her dad's. Maybe next year will be my turn.

Kittens:
Why do they think 4 a.m. is the time to start chasing each other around on my bed? Or, time to decide to snuggle right next to me? That's fine, but the purring wakes me up.
Why are they perfectly happy to chase a bread tie, but don't even notice their toys?
Why do they wait for me to come home, then run upstairs and cry for me? Why not come downstairs and see me?

Work:
Well, it's a job. The kids seem good. I love my job, but still, I can think of other ways to spend my time.

School:
I'm wanting to kill the APA for changing the formatting of their papers between June of last year and now. Apparently they have decided that 2 spaces instead of 1 after a period is crucial to understanding the content. So, I am now required to go back and respace every sentence on 25 pages. Because I have nothing better to do with my time.

Football:
I will be attending my first UT game on Saturday. I'm thinking that if I were to randomly choose a game to attend, that perhaps the first one of the season won't be the easiest one to get to as far as traffic and parking, etc. Hmmm... shoulda thought that one out a little better. But at least it's football, and I haven't been to a game in a LONG time.

Friends:
I have managed to not tick anybody off this week. It's only Wednesday, though, so you never know what might happen in the next couple days. I have good friends, though. The kind that understand I can be a little nutty, and they love me anyway :) I should clarify by saying I haven't ticked off anyone that matters.

My birthday:
Hey, my birthday is in 40 days. I will be 33. I'm gonna throw myself a party! Okay, not really, because, well, no, I'm just not going to. But when y'all get together to plan my surprise party for me, I'll pretend I don't know it's happening :) (Like how I stuck the y'all in there just to butter y'all up?)

Water:
The area I'm from is flooded. Again. Not the exact town, but the general area. Enough already with the water! Ship it here. It would revive the economy of that area, and keep us alive down here.

I think I've covered the whole spectrum of topics. I think the only things I left off are sex and drugs, but hey, since we're here:

Sex:
Make sure you check out http://relationsyou.com so you can download the app to keep track of all your intimate encounters with multiple partners. It advertises that it will help you keep track of who catches what from whom.  I feel so much better having all that info right in one place (KIDDING!)

Sex again:
Did you know that semen contains both zinc and calcium, both of which are known to prevent tooth decay? Enough said. http://www.sheknows.com/love-and-sex/articles/803194/fun-sex-facts

And, while I'm on a roll, and I know you're still reading, because who can say no?:
The sale of sex toys is banned in Alabama and Missisippi. Just in case someone was planning a little get away, you might want to plan ahead.

One week down...

So, here we are. The day after the end of the first week of school. I think I speak for all of my teacher friends, when I say, "thank goodness!" It was exciting, and fast, and tiring.  And, I speak for all my mom and dad friends when I say, "the school wants me to do WHAT with my kid at home?!"  Either way, we all made it through, so now we're into the routine of school, homework, dinner, bed. I hate this routine, btw, because it doesn't leave much down time for kids or adults, but it seems that's just life these days.

My kids seem to be happy with school. Skylar admitted she didn't think she would like her teachers, but, of course, she loves them all. I'm not surprised at all. I have never met a teacher (or anyone) who doesn't love Skylar, but still, there is always that anticipation thinking, what if there is one that doesn't? I can tell from the work coming home that she will have no problem with keeping challenged.

Alex is probably your typical 7-year-old, second grade, boy. This year, we are in the process of teaching the tough lessons. Mainly, if you can't find sneakers, you wear torn apart crocs to school, the kids laugh at you, and you can't play PE. And, if you screw around all morning, and end up having to run to the car as it's pulling out of the driveway, and you forgot your backpack, tough luck for you. His teacher is being very supportive, and has already talked to him about the importance of getting ready for school and bringing his belongings every day. Maybe that will make the difference.

My goal for this year is to make it through with as little drama as possible (I am NOT a drama person, believe it or not), and to try to get some organization to my classroom, home, and life. Not too much to ask, is it? I'll just tell you right now, though, that the organization piece will be the challenge, since I am never organized. But, I can try, right?

The Biggest Oxymoron

"I want a divorce." I have decided that is the biggest contradiction of terms one could ever speak. This great revelation comes after months of contemplating how something that someone says they want can hurt so much. Well, here it is, my profound wisdom of the day:

Most rational people do not "want" a divorce. Nobody has on their bucket list, "get divorced." I can almost promise that. What people do want is a long, healthy, happy marriage. But when one of the partners that is supposed to help with that doesn't hold up their end of the deal, the marriage goes bad, and that's when the divorce comes into play. And, in all fairness, it probably also happens that neither person does their part.

So, here's my realization: Although I specifically yelled, "That's it, I'm done, I want a divorce!" I didn't really. My hands were tied, and there was nothing more that I could, so my only choices left were to stay in a horrible marriage or get divorced. I know I made the right choice, but it doesn't make it hurt any less.

I've been partaking in my fair share of cry therapy this week. Perhaps due to the fact that I am required to keep myself pulled together for a full 8.5 hours before I have time to think, and then it comes on hard and fast. Or, maybe because I'm tired. Or, that I'm going to reach 2 months of divorce tomorrow. Or that I really ticked off a friend, who now won't talk to me (their loss, I tell myself, but still...). Or, that my tooth still hurts and will be at least Monday before I can even think of seeing a dentist. Or, that my first baby is about to turn 11 and I really can't afford the party she has talked about for at least 6 months (this child asks for NOTHING, so I know she really wants this). Or, that my washer is still broken, my bathroom still unpainted, my carpets still unsteamed.

I think that's about all the whining I've got for tonight. I feel better already, thanks for listening :)

Book Swap

Today I went to a totally awesome book swap, hosted by Deborah Youens, our school librarian. How awesome is that that she takes care of not only students, but also of our grown up need to read? I found it funny that those of us that attended all commented on how we already had a stack, or box, or closet, full of books to read, as we were grabbing more. The book choices were quite varied, and I must say, although I haven't opened it yet, mine will likely be interesting :) Then, of course, there was the Kindle discussion, and the various free classics that are available for it. Yes, that was a great conversation, too. I'm thinking that this was really a teacher social hour masked as a book swap, which is fine by me.

So, as the end of the day approaches, I am off to bed, book in hand. I'm exhausted and my eyes can barely see straight, but I have just got to get that book time in.

New Year's Resolutions

Does making resolutions at the beginning of the new school year count as New Year's Resolutions? Sure it does. So, here goes:

In work:
Stay on top of lesson planning!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And make sure to get it in the computer ahead of time
Make better use of the technology available to me
Put more effort into creating positive relationships with parents
Remember that kids have bad days, too. My bad day is not their problem, but their bad day IS my problem.

In the rest of my life:
Sleep more!
Read a good book a month
Keep a cleaner house (I just feel better when my house sparkles)
Find new and interesting ways to occupy my time
Get to know at least one new person, or someone I already know, get to know them better
Read my seminary books (at least the good ones). I miss them.
Stick to my new life philosphy - NYP, which stands for Not My Problem (really, it stands for Not Your Problem, as if someone is saying it to me, but I like it better than NMP). This will be the toughie for me, but I am determined to make it happen. If it isn't my problem, I'm not going to worry about it. Really, I won't :)

I think that's about all the stuff I can handle for now. The 2011-2012 school year starts in 7.5 hours. Time to get some rest so I can be ready for the first day of school!

Living within our means

I'm sure you've all heard it: you must learn to live within your means. If you're a Dave Ramsey follower, you have heard it over, and over, and over, and over...and over... It may even sound kind of cliche, but I really do think it's true, but not only with money.

So, what does it mean to live within our means?

Financially, it means spending and saving in a way that is within our financial ability to pay it back. We're not charging up credit cards or accruing other debt in order to have "stuff". Dave Ramsey would go so far as to say a car loan is living outside your means, but I will not go into debating all his ideas here.

But, what about living within the means of our time? How many of us are stretched so thin that we feel like we are going to snap at any moment? How many of us have so many commitments that we are not able to do any of them, and other things, like personal relationships suffer? I really like the rule in our house, "people first, things second." (of course I like it, that's why I started it :) I really try to use this idea to help guide the decisions we make about our priorities. Things like school, sports, activities, church, friends, going out with friends, serving on committees, extra jobs, and all kinds of other things take our time. The time that is limited, since we are not superhuman. And when these things pile up too much, it wears us out and often puts the "people second."

How about living within our emotional means? Does that even exist, and what does it look like? To me, it means learning to soak up as much good stuff as I can, and let the rest go. It means taking a step back from things that may end up with me feeling overly stressed, underappreciated, or even just depressed. This may be the place where I struggle the most. It is difficult to say no to those negative people and things in our lives; in fact it may be impossible to get rid of them, especially if it is family or co-workers. If I'm not careful, I can easily get sucked into people's problems and situations that are not mine to worry about, but drain me emotionally.

So, getting rid of the people may not always be a solution. What we can do, however, is learn to discern what is worth our emotional commitment and what is not. Without a doubt, this is easier said than done. I wish I had a clear cut suggestion on how to accomplish this task, but I don't. If I did, I'd likely be rich and famous.

The point of this post: let's all make a pact to try to live within our means, with our finances, time, and emotional ability. It's not always easy, but the effort we put into it will pay us back far more than we often think.

A thing called Grace

I must say that this weekend was one of the most emotionally draining stretches of time I have had in a long time. I'm not sure entirely what prompted it, but in the end, it was all about the fact that I had lost just about everything that meant anything to me in the last months, weeks, and days. And, in my mind, I was about to lose a friendship that was also important. In all my desire to be in control, I decided to end this friendship on my own terms, as in NOW! Luckily, after a good conversation with my soon-to-be-ex-friend, I was talked out of that decision, and all seems well on that front now.; It's funny to see how we act when we are scared, hurt, or at our most vulnerable.

When I am scared, hurt, or vulnerable, I tend to act 1 of 3 ways: either I withdraw into my own little corner of the world and don't let anybody in, lest they know something is wrong, or, in my desire to be in control of a situation I can't be, I attempt to find ways to do so, usually failing miserably. Finally, and most regretfully, I am also known to lash out at those around me. Why? Well, because I can, I guess. I'm sorry, I have no better reason other than I'm worn down and don't feel like being nice to people.

I think this time around, I did a little of each: I tried to control the situation by ending the friendship on my terms, I did a little yelling about things that were not really worthy of yelling, and I did a lot of withdrawing. Luckily, my friends know me well enough to know I'm hiding in my own little corner and then draw me back out of it.

Now for my mini-sermon (or lecture, if you prefer):

This situation reminded me how important it is to not judge one's behavior, but to be there to support them with love in whatever way they need. Clearly, there are things I have done in my life that I'm not so proud of, but having friends who love me anyway is an amazing way to bring myself back out of those messes I made for myself. We all have moments when what we need may seem silly to others; still it is critical that we reach out to whatever that need is. Even to those people or behaviors we don't really care for.

This, my friends, is called grace. It is similar to the grace that is given to us in God's eyes, despite our imperfections. It is forgiving the unforgiveable, and allowing people second, and third, and who knows how many chances. It's understanding that that guy that just yelled at you for taking too long at the gas station might be having a bad day, or even moment. It's considering that the co-worker who has been nasty to you all week might be having a bad week, month, or even year. It is truly understanding and appreciating that someone else might have a problem bigger than mine.

I am truly thankful for the grace that was granted me this weekend from my friend whom I tried to ditch, from my other friends who listened to me cry about it for days, and especially for the grace given to me from God for all the things I do to mess up. A free gift for me from God; I didn't earn it, I can't lose it. It's free for the taking for all would like it (even you!).

Relearning

It's come to my attention that it's time to retrain myself to not behave in some of the ways I used to behave, out of necessity, when I was married. I feel sorry for my male friends because I do these things to them on a regular basis. They have been given permission to put me back in my place when needed (kindly, please). For example, in no particular order:

1. Not all men are irresponsible, needing constant supervision and reminders of what to do and when. Men are, for the most part, adult and capable of keeping track of themselves. And, if they're not, that is NOT MY PROBLEM!!!!!!!! I'm making a conscious effort to remind once and then bite my tongue. Luckily, then men that have to deal with me doing this are kind enough to be proactive and not put me in a position of having to do so - so far.

2. Doing everything myself is not in anybody's best interest. Again, it kills me to see something that needs to be done, that I know how to do, and not do it. Again, NOT MY PROBLEM. Although, you know, I see plenty of things in my home that need to be done and that are my problem, but I have no desire to do those things. Go figure.

3.  It's not fair to not trust a man simply because he's a man. Give the guy a chance, for heaven's sake!

I know there's more, but those are the biggies. And I can't change everything at once, so I will focus on those 3. It won't be easy, retraining 14 years of learning (almost half my life) will take some time, I suppose. But it will give me something to work on for awhile, like perhaps the rest of my life.

Everything happens for a reason...

So, this week I have been reflecting on how life takes us on the most interesting and unexpected journeys. A friend of mine told me once, "If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans." Isn't that the truth. I had my life planned out since I was very young. I knew what I wanted my life to be, and how it was going to be right up until the day I died. Other than being a teacher and mother, I think the rest of it has not happened (and many other wonderful things have).

For instance, I was going to graduate college, get married, have my first child when I was 23, stay home with her/him for a very long time, add in another kid, or two, and stay happily married forever after. None of that happened (but I did get to stay home for 8 years, for which I must thank my ex-husband for supporting us financially for all those years).

Another example, while I did fulfill my dream to be a teacher, middle school math intervention in a Title I school is a far cry from pre-k teacher that I had planned. Very different, but I love it, still.

Then there's the divorce. That certainly wasn't on my bucket list. But, still, it's okay.

The list goes on and on and on...

So, now the question: Is it really that unusual to not have any regrets? When I was going to counseling, she told me I wasn't in touch with my emotions because I couldn't regret anything. Is it that strange to be at peace with the way my life has worked out? Of course, there are things I wish I had done differently, but I do not feel a sense of regret over it, just wishing I  had known then what I know now. Everything happens for a reason, even if we don't know what it is.

Example time again: When Skylar was 3, we moved from our home in Vermont to an area in upstate NY to be closer to my family (that and my husband lost his job and was offered to relocate instead). It was an awful experience. So awful, in fact, that I actually went to live with my in-laws while my husband stayed behind to work, only coming to visit me, our 3 year old daughter, and newborn son every weekend, or every other weekend.

Crazy, right? Well, we loved it so much there that my husband found a job there so that we could stay. We lived with my in-laws for an entire year. Skylar was so happy to have her grandparents around, they were thrilled to have both kids around to help take care of, and as it turned out, Alex was a very high need baby, and their amazing help is probably what kept us all alive during that first year. Even though my in-laws were going through an otherwise awful time in their lives, they were so happy to have us with them, that it made up for all of it. My father-in-law told me he was happier than he had been in such a long time, and that he was sorry our last living arrangement didn't work out, but was glad it happened so we'd end up with them instead.

My father-in-law passed away after we had lived with them for a year, unexpectedly. He died the happiest man alive. In addition, my mother-in-law was not alone to deal with this all by herself. She was surrounded by her family, and most importantly, her grandchildren, who kept her going on the really rough days.

I truly believe that God's hand was in all of that, despite the fact that we didn't see it at the time. I try, to the best of my ability, when life comes at me from a dozen directions at mach speed, to remember this. Sometimes I forget, and that's when I get into my life is horrible crying fits (I usually only cry when I'm overtired, physically or mentally). Luckily, I have great friends to listen to me without telling me I'm crazy for doing so.

I guess the point to this post is to remind all of us that sometimes we need to just take life as it comes at us, don't fret over why it is, and just wait patiently for finding out what it all means.

Sometimes it's the little things

I am proud to report that I am feeling much better than 2 days ago, or yesterday, or even this morning. I feel like I've accomplished so much, but when you look at the list all of these things are really so little.

I managed to register for my final class. I considered taking this session off, but decided if I did, I would likely never go back. Plus, I've been doing this for 16 months, I can't quit now! The reason this is such a major accomplishment, however, is that the college made me change my password, which I then could not remember. I tried to reset it online and couldn't for some unknown reason. So, I finally just bit the bullet and call the helpdesk, and 10 minutes later, I was registered.

I likely found a new home for our doggies. It's very sad because we love them so much. There's just something about those little faces when I'm having a bad day that can turn it all around. But, I know we don't have the time to give them everything they deserve, so we'll let someone else give them the care I wish we could. The reason I feel good about it is I have considered it for a long time, but always decided to keep them. Now, there's no more wondering. And after tomorrow, I won't have to deal with that, either.

I got to go have some real live grown up time this evening. It wasn't anything too exciting, believe me, but just being near a real grown up about grown up stuff can make a huge difference.

My mom started talking to me again. She wasn't too happy with me for a few days.

My current class will be over in 3 days. My final paper is underway and should be finished tomorrow. Then, as soon as I hit submit, I'm done for an entire week! YAY!

So, see, it was all little stuff, but all piled up, it gets pretty big. Tomorrow I have a few things I want to get done, but it won't be a super busy (but I will get more grown up time with another friend :).

Oh, and I found my stash of mechanical pencils - that really was the icing on the cake :)

Pity Party Post

I'll apologize because this is just one big pity party. I'm not necessarily having a bad day, in fact many good things have happened, but I'm just kinda blah, and having a couple of those cry at the drop of a hat moments. Okay, here goes:

I'm tired and worn out. This stupid class is killing me, and making it so I can't spend the time I want to spend on other stuff.

I went to visit X's mom today, and while she is always kind to me, it was just one of those, "wow" moments where I realized what was really happening.

Alex and Skylar have been as tired and grouchy as I have been, which always makes for an interesting mix.

I'm trying to re-home my dogs, which makes me sad to see them go, and frustrated that I haven't found anyone yet.; I keep getting flagged on craigslist because I'm asking $200 for both (but would negotiate a lot if I knew they were going to a great home), but let's think about this fee. That's $100 for each. You pay $75 at the animal shelter for a dog that you know just about nothing about. They have been living in cement cages for who knows how long, which is a very stressful environment. Mine are fully vetted, up to date on shots, fixed, microchipped, regularly groomed, and very loved. For the extra $25 I am asking for each, the new owner will get a $50 cage, 2 bags of high end dog food, heartworm medication, flea medication, water/food bowls, multiple leashes, tons of toys, bedding, clothing for Ruby, and whatever else is theirs. I still think that's a bargain, so stupid craigslist people. But, like I said, if you know anyone that's interested, PLEASE send them my way. They're wonderful little guys, but I just don't have time.

And then comes the cry for no reason spells. Honestly, I think the tiredness is behind this, since when I'm tired I don't function well. Also, the reality of having to do EVERYTHING hit again, meaning if I'm tired and want to go to bed, I can't really because the kids will have no parent, no one will take care of the dogs, dishes won't get cleaned, etc. etc.

And my washer isnt working. And I need to replace lightbulbs in my light fixtures that are on the ceiling in our 2 story foyer and 2 story porch (how does one do that anyway?). And my bathroom needs to finish getting painted. I have to sort through a boatload of stuff that was just piled on my air  hockey table when X left, but at least he didn't leave it on the floor.

And I can't run a mile at the Y, yet, which is really ticking me off.

I think that's it for now. I think I'm going to go to bed now, and hope it's all better in the morning.

Goals

Time to make a list of goals I'd like to reach at some point, some now, some later, some before I die.

Short term
Finish my last master's class to be the proud new owner of a M.Ed.
Find a new home for my dogs :(
Figure out a schedule for when we go back to school
Get some paperwork sorted out

Long term
Get my finances in order - again!
Decide whether to keep this house and rent a room out or to move and relocate the kids next year
Lose about 16-20 pounds
Find a place to join a handbell choir - I miss that about my last home

Before I die
Learn to knit
Visit every state in the country (I'm about a third of the way there)
Learn another language
Travel abroad
Work my way through several college math classes
Become a mental health chaplain, or hospice chaplain, or hospital chaplain, or minister of some sort

I think that's enough to keep me busy, for now.

It's All Just Black and White...and Many Shades of Gray

It's a given that, as a parent, it is my job to teach and demonstrate doing the right thing. We don't steal, we share our toys, we tell the truth, and we always use our good manners. But, is there ever a time when doing the wrong thing is the right thing to do, or doing the right thing is the wrong thing to do? This was the question I was asked by my insightful 7-year-old today when we were talking about honesty and little white lies. The things that kids think of amazes me, and this one made me think.


I know what my answer is but articulating it just isn't happening. So, in short, yes, I do think there are times when it is better to do the wrong thing. It's a matter of judgment, knowing what's in your heart, and listening to God and what direction you should take in different situations. I think the bigger picture here is that the idea of right and wrong is not as concrete as it sounds. It's not just black and white, but many, many shades of gray.