"I want a divorce." I have decided that is the biggest contradiction of terms one could ever speak. This great revelation comes after months of contemplating how something that someone says they want can hurt so much. Well, here it is, my profound wisdom of the day:
Most rational people do not "want" a divorce. Nobody has on their bucket list, "get divorced." I can almost promise that. What people do want is a long, healthy, happy marriage. But when one of the partners that is supposed to help with that doesn't hold up their end of the deal, the marriage goes bad, and that's when the divorce comes into play. And, in all fairness, it probably also happens that neither person does their part.
So, here's my realization: Although I specifically yelled, "That's it, I'm done, I want a divorce!" I didn't really. My hands were tied, and there was nothing more that I could, so my only choices left were to stay in a horrible marriage or get divorced. I know I made the right choice, but it doesn't make it hurt any less.
I've been partaking in my fair share of cry therapy this week. Perhaps due to the fact that I am required to keep myself pulled together for a full 8.5 hours before I have time to think, and then it comes on hard and fast. Or, maybe because I'm tired. Or, that I'm going to reach 2 months of divorce tomorrow. Or that I really ticked off a friend, who now won't talk to me (their loss, I tell myself, but still...). Or, that my tooth still hurts and will be at least Monday before I can even think of seeing a dentist. Or, that my first baby is about to turn 11 and I really can't afford the party she has talked about for at least 6 months (this child asks for NOTHING, so I know she really wants this). Or, that my washer is still broken, my bathroom still unpainted, my carpets still unsteamed.
I think that's about all the whining I've got for tonight. I feel better already, thanks for listening :)
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