Six months ago today, I stood before a judge with my husband at my side, and signed the final papers that would, 30 seconds later, make him my ex-husband. As brief as it was, I suspect I will remember that moment for the rest of my life. I stood there next to the man I had just spent the last 14 years of my life with and actually told a complete stranger that I wanted a divorce. Then, I heard him say the same. Seeing as this was the first time he had ever actually spoken those words, it hit hard. I managed to use all my strength to keep the tears away, walked out of the courthouse, and we went our separate ways. Then I went home and cried.
It has actually been nine months, total, since speaking those words that cannot be taken back. Who would think that four little words (I want a divorce) would change my world forever? The three months between starting and ending the legal process were torturous. We lived in the same house - happy family by day, separated as soon as the kids went to bed. Trying to keep things looking normal for the kids was ridiculously stressful, as well. Add to that the normal day to day life of a job and kid duties, and it was, well, a difficult time. The help of amazing people, and the grace of God, are the only things that got me through some of the worst days of all.
When I signed the final papers, of course, I had no idea what the future held for me. I imagined some day I would end up in another relationship, or that I might move somewhere else, or even that I would just live on my own for awhile. I knew it would take some time to get my finances re-arranged, and to get myself and the kids used to this new life. I knew it would be difficult, but at the same time, I was already relieved that the pressure of living in a bad marriage was finally off; I could finally begin the process of rebuilding my life for me in a way that would make me happy.
Although there have been ups and downs along the way, and lots of them, depending on the situation, things have started to level out a bit. I finished my master's degree by earning a scholarship to pay for my last two classes, have somewhat successfully integrated several new initiatives into my classroom at work, and held down the fort for me and the kids with no one ending up missing, starving, or naked from running out of clean clothes.
I started dating a little bit a couple months after the divorce was final. Nothing too intense, really just something to do while I killed time, I guess. Although the men I went out with were nice people, there was no connection there. Doesn't mean the dates weren't fun, they were (except the strange guy that I am pretty sure would have married me that night if I had suggested it), but I had no expectation of anything more. I left the dating scene for a variety of reasons, and pretty much just started living life day by day. I cut some negative people out of my life, and decided that only positive influences were welcome here.
I am thrilled to say that I am now in a serious, strong, and healthy relationship with one of the most amazing people (man or woman) I have ever had the joy of knowing. I had forgotten how good a healthy partnership feels, and how comforting it is to know there is someone else to count on. In other words, I am being forced to learn that I don't have to do everything by myself (even though I want to).
Although I still have my moments of sadness and frustration, I am completely happy with the way things are going. I have no regrets at all, which confirms for me that this was the words I spoke nine months ago today, and the papers I signed six months ago, were very right in this circumstance. I will never advocate divorce as a good thing because it isn't, but since my marriage left no other options, I am glad things have gone as smoothly as they have, and that the healing process is moving along nicely for both me and the kids. And, of course, I am always thankful for the amazing, strong, kind, and loving people who have walked with me through some or all of this long process.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Feeling Especially Blessed Today
It's late, and I have to work tomorrow, but as I sit here reflecting on what an amazing day it's been, and life I have, I would like to share some of what I was lucky enough to experience today.
I started my day teaching Sunday School. Every Sunday, the alarm goes off, and I think UGH! Really, God? This is how you want me to serve you? Isn't there something I could do at night instead? But, then, I get there, and those precious 5-7 year olds greet me with their happy smiles and eager eyes, and it is all worth it. They hang on my every word; if I say it, it must be true. They view me as a celebrity, and are excited when they see me actually IN church after Sunday School. They smile with excitement as they wave at me and I smile at them.
After Sunday School was done, I went to church. Seems kind of obvious, I realize, but I'll admit that last week I lasted 10 minutes in the service before going home to take a nap (blush). The service was excellent. Every bit of it was uplifting and meaningful. It went by so quickly, and I almost didn't want it to end.
Then, after a 30 minute break, I returned to church for a ladies group ornament exchange. There were almost 50 women and girls there to share in fellowship with each other. What a fun time I had! I'm so pleased that I made the effort to go this year. Once I got there I realized it wasn't much effort, compared to the fun that was had by all.
A quick trip home to change the kids into their scouting uniforms and pick up a friend followed, and then we returned to the church for scouts. While I was sitting with Alex's group, I saw a group of 7 year old boys' faces light up as I helped them turn a screwdriver for the first time. "No, sweetie, not that way, righty tighty, lefty loosey." I love teaching, even tools to little boys. It's still got that aha! moment to it, which is so rewarding. Meanwhile, another group of boys in the next room was making blankets for shut-ins, the older boys were doing a project outside, even in the rain, and the girl scouts were in the next building over, busy in the kitchen. It was absolutely amazing to see a church so alive and at use, even when worship was "over" for the week.
I came home to talk to my dad on the phone. I have two parents who are alive and who love me enough to call me regularly, even if it seems there's little to talk about. They are coming to see us soon (19 days), and I can hear the excitement in my dad's voice. He can hardly wait, and so can I. This reminds me of my mother's fear of flying that was so intense, she went NO WHERE that required a plane. Except Texas, after I and her grand kids moved here. I'm so lucky to have a mom that would put such an intense fear aside for us. I would miss her so much if she didn't.
While Skylar played, and Alex took a bath, and after tucking them in, I spent the evening texting with a friend. I know texting doesn't compare to talking for real, but with kids and busy lives, at least texting allows for communicating at all. And I know I'll see my "texting friend" soon enough, so this was just a "tweener" :)
So, as this amazingly blessed day winds down, I am reflecting on recent changes I've made. Overall, I've adopted an "out with the bad, in with the good," philosophy, meaning people who make me feel badly, or bring me down, have to go. I did this a few weeks ago with a couple friends, and while it hurt at the time, and I still miss them a little, it made so much more room in my heart for the people who make me feel good.
I know I am blessed no matter what is happening in my life, but this week I have especially felt it. I believe it was getting rid of the negatives that made it possible for this to happen. It wasn't easy, but I'm glad I did it, so that I could move on to focusing my time and energy on things and people that matter more.
I started my day teaching Sunday School. Every Sunday, the alarm goes off, and I think UGH! Really, God? This is how you want me to serve you? Isn't there something I could do at night instead? But, then, I get there, and those precious 5-7 year olds greet me with their happy smiles and eager eyes, and it is all worth it. They hang on my every word; if I say it, it must be true. They view me as a celebrity, and are excited when they see me actually IN church after Sunday School. They smile with excitement as they wave at me and I smile at them.
After Sunday School was done, I went to church. Seems kind of obvious, I realize, but I'll admit that last week I lasted 10 minutes in the service before going home to take a nap (blush). The service was excellent. Every bit of it was uplifting and meaningful. It went by so quickly, and I almost didn't want it to end.
Then, after a 30 minute break, I returned to church for a ladies group ornament exchange. There were almost 50 women and girls there to share in fellowship with each other. What a fun time I had! I'm so pleased that I made the effort to go this year. Once I got there I realized it wasn't much effort, compared to the fun that was had by all.
A quick trip home to change the kids into their scouting uniforms and pick up a friend followed, and then we returned to the church for scouts. While I was sitting with Alex's group, I saw a group of 7 year old boys' faces light up as I helped them turn a screwdriver for the first time. "No, sweetie, not that way, righty tighty, lefty loosey." I love teaching, even tools to little boys. It's still got that aha! moment to it, which is so rewarding. Meanwhile, another group of boys in the next room was making blankets for shut-ins, the older boys were doing a project outside, even in the rain, and the girl scouts were in the next building over, busy in the kitchen. It was absolutely amazing to see a church so alive and at use, even when worship was "over" for the week.
I came home to talk to my dad on the phone. I have two parents who are alive and who love me enough to call me regularly, even if it seems there's little to talk about. They are coming to see us soon (19 days), and I can hear the excitement in my dad's voice. He can hardly wait, and so can I. This reminds me of my mother's fear of flying that was so intense, she went NO WHERE that required a plane. Except Texas, after I and her grand kids moved here. I'm so lucky to have a mom that would put such an intense fear aside for us. I would miss her so much if she didn't.
While Skylar played, and Alex took a bath, and after tucking them in, I spent the evening texting with a friend. I know texting doesn't compare to talking for real, but with kids and busy lives, at least texting allows for communicating at all. And I know I'll see my "texting friend" soon enough, so this was just a "tweener" :)
So, as this amazingly blessed day winds down, I am reflecting on recent changes I've made. Overall, I've adopted an "out with the bad, in with the good," philosophy, meaning people who make me feel badly, or bring me down, have to go. I did this a few weeks ago with a couple friends, and while it hurt at the time, and I still miss them a little, it made so much more room in my heart for the people who make me feel good.
I know I am blessed no matter what is happening in my life, but this week I have especially felt it. I believe it was getting rid of the negatives that made it possible for this to happen. It wasn't easy, but I'm glad I did it, so that I could move on to focusing my time and energy on things and people that matter more.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Things to Do When Life Just Sucks
Pick me ups for when life just sucks:
Go for a walk, or a run, or a skip, if you prefer, just get outside
Jump rope
Hula hoop, even if you're bad at it
Watch a funny movie
Watch a sappy movie
Call, text, email a friend
Call, text, email someone who may or may not be a friend, but who may have things worse than you
Pray
Take a nap
Eat fruits and veggies (to keep myself from eating the entire pumpkin pie on my counter, which I would like to say I threw away to resist the temptation)
Look at pictures of your children, especially from a few years back, and see how they've grown
Write a blog :)
Draw, who cares if you stink
Take a hot bath
Go get a massage
Fold laundry - okay this doesn't really make me feel better, just keeps me busy til the pity party ends
Clean the house - similar to above, but a sparkly house does make me feel good
Listen to music
Pet your animals - research shows this is therapeutic
Go to Walmart and actually stop to talk to the greeters - they are more than just the nobodies everyone pegs them to be
Sing at the top of your lungs, even if you're bad
Play with your children
Take your dogs for a walk, if you don't have dogs, talk yourself for a walk
Talk to yourself
Eat hot wings
Color a picture in a coloring book - I admit, I love to do this, and find it very therapeutic
Go for a drive
Look online at a place you've always wanted to visit. Dream up your next vacation, no worrying about money
Go fishing
Make a list of all the good stuff in your life
Pay your bills - I figure if I already feel bad, I might as well pay the bills at the same time, because that chore also makes me feel bad
Watch Veggie Tales - there's just something about those talking veggies...
Do any of the above with a friend - it will make it doubly fun
Remember that sucky times are temporary, it's up to you to determine how long you will let it last
Go for a walk, or a run, or a skip, if you prefer, just get outside
Jump rope
Hula hoop, even if you're bad at it
Watch a funny movie
Watch a sappy movie
Call, text, email a friend
Call, text, email someone who may or may not be a friend, but who may have things worse than you
Pray
Take a nap
Eat fruits and veggies (to keep myself from eating the entire pumpkin pie on my counter, which I would like to say I threw away to resist the temptation)
Look at pictures of your children, especially from a few years back, and see how they've grown
Write a blog :)
Draw, who cares if you stink
Take a hot bath
Go get a massage
Fold laundry - okay this doesn't really make me feel better, just keeps me busy til the pity party ends
Clean the house - similar to above, but a sparkly house does make me feel good
Listen to music
Pet your animals - research shows this is therapeutic
Go to Walmart and actually stop to talk to the greeters - they are more than just the nobodies everyone pegs them to be
Sing at the top of your lungs, even if you're bad
Play with your children
Take your dogs for a walk, if you don't have dogs, talk yourself for a walk
Talk to yourself
Eat hot wings
Color a picture in a coloring book - I admit, I love to do this, and find it very therapeutic
Go for a drive
Look online at a place you've always wanted to visit. Dream up your next vacation, no worrying about money
Go fishing
Make a list of all the good stuff in your life
Pay your bills - I figure if I already feel bad, I might as well pay the bills at the same time, because that chore also makes me feel bad
Watch Veggie Tales - there's just something about those talking veggies...
Do any of the above with a friend - it will make it doubly fun
Remember that sucky times are temporary, it's up to you to determine how long you will let it last
5 Days of "me" time
It's Thanksgiving break, and the kids have spent the majority of it with their dad. They left for his house Wednesday evening, and won't be back til Sunday night. They did all come over for Thanksgiving dinner, which was nice, but then they went right back. On the one hand I feel really bad and guilty for sending them away when they actually have time off from school and could just hang out and play. On the other hand, I needed this break so badly, and I'm really glad to have it.
I can't even tell you much of what I have done during my time off because it is that unimportant. Looking back, I went out on a date, cleaned for and prepped Thanksgiving dinner, did some laundry, did more laundry, cleaned some more, and slept a lot. Pretty boring, I know, but I really need boring right now. Oh, and I did take my kids to a movie on Wednesday before they went with their dad. By the way, Puss in Boots is hilarious, for both kids and adults!
I also started reading a new to me book, that I got from a book swap months ago. Good in Bed, by Jennifer Weiner, is awesome! And, no, it's not a book about how to be good in bed, I promise. I will admit that this thought is why it took me so long to start reading it. I could only imagine what it would be about. Overall, it is about a woman learning to be comfortable with herself and others, and to show herself and others how to be a good example. I love this book! It's been several months since I got this into a book; actually not since I read, Drunk, Divorced, and Covered in Cat Hair, another of my favorites.
I'm trying to get myself into the holiday spirit, but I'm not getting very far. Here is my very lame excuse - the Halloween decorations are still in the yard because the garage door is broken, so I can't open it to put them away. Lame, huh? Okay, more like lazy. I am considering putting up the tree while the kids are gone, so we can decorate it when they return. They will be soooooo excited!!! I'm also considering just putting a Santa hat on the skeleton and Christmas lights on the blow up ghost thing. Wonder what the neighbors would think? If they complain, I could just put out that obnoxious decoration that plays music every time someone walks by it. Our street is busy, imagine the possibilities!
As much as I hate to admit it, I do need to go to work today. My goal is to be completely prepared and ready to go for the next 3 weeks so I won't have to do anything til Christmas. That would be so awesome! I'm not sure it will happen at this point, but even having something for next week would be good.
So, with memories of a quiet and restful week off, and the thought that I need to get ready for next week, it's time for me to get moving and do something productive with my life.
I can't even tell you much of what I have done during my time off because it is that unimportant. Looking back, I went out on a date, cleaned for and prepped Thanksgiving dinner, did some laundry, did more laundry, cleaned some more, and slept a lot. Pretty boring, I know, but I really need boring right now. Oh, and I did take my kids to a movie on Wednesday before they went with their dad. By the way, Puss in Boots is hilarious, for both kids and adults!
I also started reading a new to me book, that I got from a book swap months ago. Good in Bed, by Jennifer Weiner, is awesome! And, no, it's not a book about how to be good in bed, I promise. I will admit that this thought is why it took me so long to start reading it. I could only imagine what it would be about. Overall, it is about a woman learning to be comfortable with herself and others, and to show herself and others how to be a good example. I love this book! It's been several months since I got this into a book; actually not since I read, Drunk, Divorced, and Covered in Cat Hair, another of my favorites.
I'm trying to get myself into the holiday spirit, but I'm not getting very far. Here is my very lame excuse - the Halloween decorations are still in the yard because the garage door is broken, so I can't open it to put them away. Lame, huh? Okay, more like lazy. I am considering putting up the tree while the kids are gone, so we can decorate it when they return. They will be soooooo excited!!! I'm also considering just putting a Santa hat on the skeleton and Christmas lights on the blow up ghost thing. Wonder what the neighbors would think? If they complain, I could just put out that obnoxious decoration that plays music every time someone walks by it. Our street is busy, imagine the possibilities!
As much as I hate to admit it, I do need to go to work today. My goal is to be completely prepared and ready to go for the next 3 weeks so I won't have to do anything til Christmas. That would be so awesome! I'm not sure it will happen at this point, but even having something for next week would be good.
So, with memories of a quiet and restful week off, and the thought that I need to get ready for next week, it's time for me to get moving and do something productive with my life.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
"Even the toughest people need a break sometimes"
I was talking to a long time friend on the phone about a week ago. I didn't even tell him I had gotten divorced until 3 months after the fact, and when I did he was shocked. He had followed our entire courtship, came to our wedding, basically watched our family grow up. I think he felt the loss almost as much as I did, and of course, his attention went right to me and my well-being.
When I talked to him yesterday, we chatted, and then he asked me, "how are you doing?" I respond with the usual, "I'm doing well," Then he repeated in the you better not lie to me tone, "but how are YOU?" I told him, "I'm good, I'm tough you know that." His response is one of the best bits of advice I have received in a long time, and it really got me thinking. He said, "I know you are tough, but even the toughest people need a break sometimes."
Wow! That really shocked my brain back into reality. Was I okay? Had I taken a break lately? Or was I so overwhelmed physically and emotionally that I had forgotten to take care of myself? Unfortunately, I think the answer was the latter. Busy with raising kids, maintaining a home, taking care of my school babies, and dealing with other life issues had just worn me out. I needed a break. "When will I get a break," I asked myself bitterly.
After thinking for a little while, it occurred to me that nobody has breaks handed to them, unless they are especially lucky. Breaks do not just appear out of nowhere. We need to make our own breaks.Taking care of ourselves is our responsibility and no one else's. The good news is we don't have to sit around waiting for someone to take care of us. The bad news is that we can't have someone take care of us, we have to do it ourselves.
How many people can honestly say they are good about providing themselves with breaks? I used to be good about doing this, but now that life has become so hectic, I tend to forget, or convince myself I don't need them "I'm fine," I say to myself. I can just push through this rough spot, and I'll be okay in the end. Unfortunately, this usually ends with me becoming burnt out.
That's not to say that we can't call on our friends to help us out; indeed I have many friends who are there in an instant, either physically, on the phone, or even checking in on Facebook. The thing is, I have to tell them that I need them. My friends are not psychic (though sometimes they impress me with seeming so), they have their own lives to live, and are busy with finding time for themselves. But, once they know I need something, they are right there.
In conclusion, we need to take some of what is referred to as "back of the boat time." I learned this term when I was in seminary; it refers to the story of Jesus falling asleep at the back of the boat while his disciples were scared during a raging storm on the sea. The disciples were angry that Jesus had just left them alone to fend for themselves. However, in the end, though he was taking a little break for himself, he was there when they needed them. I figure if even Jesus needs to take some "back of the boat time," then surely I do, too.
When I talked to him yesterday, we chatted, and then he asked me, "how are you doing?" I respond with the usual, "I'm doing well," Then he repeated in the you better not lie to me tone, "but how are YOU?" I told him, "I'm good, I'm tough you know that." His response is one of the best bits of advice I have received in a long time, and it really got me thinking. He said, "I know you are tough, but even the toughest people need a break sometimes."
Wow! That really shocked my brain back into reality. Was I okay? Had I taken a break lately? Or was I so overwhelmed physically and emotionally that I had forgotten to take care of myself? Unfortunately, I think the answer was the latter. Busy with raising kids, maintaining a home, taking care of my school babies, and dealing with other life issues had just worn me out. I needed a break. "When will I get a break," I asked myself bitterly.
After thinking for a little while, it occurred to me that nobody has breaks handed to them, unless they are especially lucky. Breaks do not just appear out of nowhere. We need to make our own breaks.Taking care of ourselves is our responsibility and no one else's. The good news is we don't have to sit around waiting for someone to take care of us. The bad news is that we can't have someone take care of us, we have to do it ourselves.
How many people can honestly say they are good about providing themselves with breaks? I used to be good about doing this, but now that life has become so hectic, I tend to forget, or convince myself I don't need them "I'm fine," I say to myself. I can just push through this rough spot, and I'll be okay in the end. Unfortunately, this usually ends with me becoming burnt out.
That's not to say that we can't call on our friends to help us out; indeed I have many friends who are there in an instant, either physically, on the phone, or even checking in on Facebook. The thing is, I have to tell them that I need them. My friends are not psychic (though sometimes they impress me with seeming so), they have their own lives to live, and are busy with finding time for themselves. But, once they know I need something, they are right there.
In conclusion, we need to take some of what is referred to as "back of the boat time." I learned this term when I was in seminary; it refers to the story of Jesus falling asleep at the back of the boat while his disciples were scared during a raging storm on the sea. The disciples were angry that Jesus had just left them alone to fend for themselves. However, in the end, though he was taking a little break for himself, he was there when they needed them. I figure if even Jesus needs to take some "back of the boat time," then surely I do, too.
Gearing up for Christmas - a reflection on STUFF
When Thanksgiving's over, the mad rush of Christmas will start. My kids have asked Santa for less than 3 things this year. They understand they already have too much stuff they don't use, and while they will be donating a lot of it, they also know that they don't need to replace it with more stuff they don't use. I'm so proud of my little Dave Ramsey's! I'm most proud that I didn't have to tell them to limit themselves. I asked what they wanted, and Alex said, "remember not to be greedy," and gave me his list :)
Seriously, all Alex ever plays with is a football, soccer ball, or baseball and glove. He does read, but he goes through books so quickly, it is crazy to buy them for him. He wants a Webkinz, a zhu zhu hamster, and football cards. Done. I did ask what his wish would be and he said a new big tv for all of us to share. Probably won't be happening, but one never knows what Santa might find on sale (doubt it).
Skylar wants the American Girl doll of the year and $200 so she can buy her computer (she has $300 saved toward it already and she wants an iPad). She also knows that the likelihood of the $200 is about none, but I told her if she could have 1 wish without worrying about greed what would it be. Many thanks to my parents for taking on the $200 burden, she will be SO surprised (side note, my parents ROCK!). The doll should be here any day now. The trick is to resist the temptation to buy more just because it looks cool.
I just don't get the obsession that people, including myself, have with stuff. Stuff causes so many problems - people arguing over who gets to have it, where to put it, who should take care of it. I have to fight with the kids to pick their stuff up, take care of their stuff, and even know where their stuff is. Every year since we moved to TX, and even before, we donate thousands of dollars of stuff to various organizations. Makes me sick to think we paid to move all that stuff just so we could give it away. This is all after a mega lawn sale and donating thousands of dollars of stuff in NY. In a little bit of defense, the last 2 years a lot of it was clothes, as Skylar went through a huge growth spurt, but still. Obviously she had too many clothes, but they haven't been replaced, so now she has almost none (but she has yet to go to school naked, go figure).
I continue the never-ending process of eliminating all the unnecessary stuff from my house, but it just keeps coming in. The other day, I told my friend I was getting rid of all flat surfaces in my house. Only round and pointed would be allowed. That way, stuff can't gather there.
Strangely enough, I can almost guarantee that we will become very talented at balancing it on such surfaces. Should I be disgusted at the thought or impressed at the talent?
Seriously, all Alex ever plays with is a football, soccer ball, or baseball and glove. He does read, but he goes through books so quickly, it is crazy to buy them for him. He wants a Webkinz, a zhu zhu hamster, and football cards. Done. I did ask what his wish would be and he said a new big tv for all of us to share. Probably won't be happening, but one never knows what Santa might find on sale (doubt it).
Skylar wants the American Girl doll of the year and $200 so she can buy her computer (she has $300 saved toward it already and she wants an iPad). She also knows that the likelihood of the $200 is about none, but I told her if she could have 1 wish without worrying about greed what would it be. Many thanks to my parents for taking on the $200 burden, she will be SO surprised (side note, my parents ROCK!). The doll should be here any day now. The trick is to resist the temptation to buy more just because it looks cool.
I just don't get the obsession that people, including myself, have with stuff. Stuff causes so many problems - people arguing over who gets to have it, where to put it, who should take care of it. I have to fight with the kids to pick their stuff up, take care of their stuff, and even know where their stuff is. Every year since we moved to TX, and even before, we donate thousands of dollars of stuff to various organizations. Makes me sick to think we paid to move all that stuff just so we could give it away. This is all after a mega lawn sale and donating thousands of dollars of stuff in NY. In a little bit of defense, the last 2 years a lot of it was clothes, as Skylar went through a huge growth spurt, but still. Obviously she had too many clothes, but they haven't been replaced, so now she has almost none (but she has yet to go to school naked, go figure).
I continue the never-ending process of eliminating all the unnecessary stuff from my house, but it just keeps coming in. The other day, I told my friend I was getting rid of all flat surfaces in my house. Only round and pointed would be allowed. That way, stuff can't gather there.
Strangely enough, I can almost guarantee that we will become very talented at balancing it on such surfaces. Should I be disgusted at the thought or impressed at the talent?
Sunday, November 13, 2011
The Two Faces of Jealousy
NOTE: This is post is from my Presbyterian Christian perspective. Feel free to tweak as you see fit to accommodate the name of whatever god you worship, or even mankind in general.
Ever had one of those moments where you're convinced the pastor wrote the sermon especially for you? How about a day where you're convinced the entire service was for you? Or, as in my case today, the prayer of confession was written JUST FOR YOU? We Presbyterians believe that, not only are we constant sinners, but that God is the constant forgiver. The prayer of confession is our time to come before God and admit our limitations, while asking for forgiveness. I always laugh to myself because I know asking is not a requirement, but as humans, it is something we feel we need to do. God's grace is granted to us before we are even able to understand it. Nothing we do, think, nor say will cause God to turn from us. There is nothing we can do to earn God's grace, nor lose it. I find this to be a re-assuring thought.
Today's prayer of confession dealt with the issue of jealousy. Well, let me tell you, that has been my biggest enemy in the last month or so, and boy, has it gotten me into a lot of trouble! You see, I let my guard down, and in so doing, I let feelings of inadequacy slip in (which is rare, this usually doesn't happen). When that happened, I behaved in ways that ended up hurting a friend, the friend's friend, and myself. So, there we were reading the words on the screen, the words meant for me. As I read, the idea came into my head that there are actually two sides of jealousy, neither of them is right, and they both hurt.
First of all, the obvious side of jealousy is when one wants something someone else has, either an object, a person, or a way of life. Jealousy, for the most part, is unhealthy because it blurs our vision of what is right and wrong. Jealousy has a way of making us act in ways that are unkind to others. Even though it makes perfect sense to the jealous, it seems most unreasonable to the person at which it is directed. Jealousy is wrong because it shows unhappiness with the many blessings in one's life already. It basically says, "hey, God, what you've given me is not enough. I want THAT (insert pointing finger)." This attitude is not the way to approach God, the giver of all things. In addition, it does not feel good to live with jealousy. It is right up there with hatred, seeing as it is based on hatred for what others have that you do not.
Before I go on to talk about the other side of jealousy, I need to clarify that what I am about to say does not excuse the actions of the jealous. It is not an excuse for behaving in hurtful ways, nor is it a way to take the responsibility off that person. Ultimately, we are all responsible for our own thoughts and actions, however, sometimes it is also important to look at the other side of the story.
The second side of jealousy, which people often do not consider, is that certain behaviors may lead to the development of jealousy in others. I think we all know of people who like to brag about their things and accomplishments. We're not talking about people who genuinely share with those that love them, but about people who show off only to make themselves look amazing. We can also be talking about people who are fair weather friends, going off with whichever friend is the most "useful" at the time, leaving others that care about them in the dust. Pushing one friendship aside for the sake of another can also create jealousy. As can over-emphasizing the worth of things over people. In my humble opinion, failing to be mindful of the needs others is just as thoughtless of the jealousy itself.
So, I guess the whole point of this post is to remind people that others are watching and caring about you. Please be aware of feelings of jealousy that creep up on you, and take steps to extinguish them as soon as possible. And, please be aware that your actions can hurt others in a way that makes them feel jealous. Neither is better nor worse than the other. For, we have been commanded to love one another, which can only happen when we are thinking about the needs of others, in addition to ourselves.
Ever had one of those moments where you're convinced the pastor wrote the sermon especially for you? How about a day where you're convinced the entire service was for you? Or, as in my case today, the prayer of confession was written JUST FOR YOU? We Presbyterians believe that, not only are we constant sinners, but that God is the constant forgiver. The prayer of confession is our time to come before God and admit our limitations, while asking for forgiveness. I always laugh to myself because I know asking is not a requirement, but as humans, it is something we feel we need to do. God's grace is granted to us before we are even able to understand it. Nothing we do, think, nor say will cause God to turn from us. There is nothing we can do to earn God's grace, nor lose it. I find this to be a re-assuring thought.
Today's prayer of confession dealt with the issue of jealousy. Well, let me tell you, that has been my biggest enemy in the last month or so, and boy, has it gotten me into a lot of trouble! You see, I let my guard down, and in so doing, I let feelings of inadequacy slip in (which is rare, this usually doesn't happen). When that happened, I behaved in ways that ended up hurting a friend, the friend's friend, and myself. So, there we were reading the words on the screen, the words meant for me. As I read, the idea came into my head that there are actually two sides of jealousy, neither of them is right, and they both hurt.
First of all, the obvious side of jealousy is when one wants something someone else has, either an object, a person, or a way of life. Jealousy, for the most part, is unhealthy because it blurs our vision of what is right and wrong. Jealousy has a way of making us act in ways that are unkind to others. Even though it makes perfect sense to the jealous, it seems most unreasonable to the person at which it is directed. Jealousy is wrong because it shows unhappiness with the many blessings in one's life already. It basically says, "hey, God, what you've given me is not enough. I want THAT (insert pointing finger)." This attitude is not the way to approach God, the giver of all things. In addition, it does not feel good to live with jealousy. It is right up there with hatred, seeing as it is based on hatred for what others have that you do not.
Before I go on to talk about the other side of jealousy, I need to clarify that what I am about to say does not excuse the actions of the jealous. It is not an excuse for behaving in hurtful ways, nor is it a way to take the responsibility off that person. Ultimately, we are all responsible for our own thoughts and actions, however, sometimes it is also important to look at the other side of the story.
The second side of jealousy, which people often do not consider, is that certain behaviors may lead to the development of jealousy in others. I think we all know of people who like to brag about their things and accomplishments. We're not talking about people who genuinely share with those that love them, but about people who show off only to make themselves look amazing. We can also be talking about people who are fair weather friends, going off with whichever friend is the most "useful" at the time, leaving others that care about them in the dust. Pushing one friendship aside for the sake of another can also create jealousy. As can over-emphasizing the worth of things over people. In my humble opinion, failing to be mindful of the needs others is just as thoughtless of the jealousy itself.
So, I guess the whole point of this post is to remind people that others are watching and caring about you. Please be aware of feelings of jealousy that creep up on you, and take steps to extinguish them as soon as possible. And, please be aware that your actions can hurt others in a way that makes them feel jealous. Neither is better nor worse than the other. For, we have been commanded to love one another, which can only happen when we are thinking about the needs of others, in addition to ourselves.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Workplace Evaluations - YUCK!
I was evaluated by my supervisor today, which, of course, always makes one at least a little nervous. I mean, I know I'm awesome, but what if the person who controls my destiny disagrees? What if all the amazing things I do on a daily basis end up not being so awesome to my supervisor? What if she picks up on the one flaw I forgot to fix (like, perhaps, not having a social contract up...oops). Or, my most challenging students have a particularly bad day? Does that one snapshot really give a clear picture of what I do and how I do it? If it's a great review, I'll say yes, if not, I'll argue no :)
Luckily, we are warned about the upcoming evaluation, and even get to pick the day and class period. Thank goodness, because I have some perfectly angelic classes and some that are still working becoming angelic (good way to put it, huh?). The class I chose is 6th graders, who still largely trust me as the motherly figure, and aim to please most of the time. This class is especially well behaved, and mostly independent in their work habits. Apparently, when I had a substitute earlier this week, the kids walked in to no adult, so they just sat down and started working. Eventually, when no one showed up, someone went to the office to let them know. Perhaps I've trained them well?
Imagine their delight when I shared with them that a principal was going to come into our room to see how very awesome THEY are!!! They were so proud and impressed with themselves. I found it very sweet. The big day got postponed a few times, and so when today came, they were triply excited about it. They just couldn't wait!
Well, we did our thing, it happened how it happened, and I think all went fairly well. My favorite part was when one of my students whispered in my ear, "do you think she's writing down good stuff about us? Does she likes us as much as you do?" Regardless of what happens with the official papwerwork stuff, that made my day, and reminded me why I go do this often thankless job day after day. Because I like them.
Luckily, we are warned about the upcoming evaluation, and even get to pick the day and class period. Thank goodness, because I have some perfectly angelic classes and some that are still working becoming angelic (good way to put it, huh?). The class I chose is 6th graders, who still largely trust me as the motherly figure, and aim to please most of the time. This class is especially well behaved, and mostly independent in their work habits. Apparently, when I had a substitute earlier this week, the kids walked in to no adult, so they just sat down and started working. Eventually, when no one showed up, someone went to the office to let them know. Perhaps I've trained them well?
Imagine their delight when I shared with them that a principal was going to come into our room to see how very awesome THEY are!!! They were so proud and impressed with themselves. I found it very sweet. The big day got postponed a few times, and so when today came, they were triply excited about it. They just couldn't wait!
Well, we did our thing, it happened how it happened, and I think all went fairly well. My favorite part was when one of my students whispered in my ear, "do you think she's writing down good stuff about us? Does she likes us as much as you do?" Regardless of what happens with the official papwerwork stuff, that made my day, and reminded me why I go do this often thankless job day after day. Because I like them.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
My Kitties are Mine, All Mine!!!!
Insert millions of happy faces here! Finally, officially, my two adorable and loving little kitties are mine. A little background, in case you don't know. After the ex moved out, and we decided the dogs had to go :(, I decided to get cats. I love them, and I hadn't had one since I was 17 on account of the ex being deathly allergic :( So, out with the ex, in with the cats!
I was afraid that we wouldn't be able to handle them, or that one of the kids would be allergic, or that it just wouldn't work out, so I decided to give fostering a try. These particular fosters were unadoptable because they had to be quarantined due to exposure to feline leukemia. They came in as strays, and one of their litter mates tested positive. They had tested negative, but they needed to be alone for 8 weeks and then re-tested. If they tested negative, and everything worked out, we would keep them. If they tested positive, they would be put to sleep. We found out after only 2 weeks into fostering that their littermate had been picked up by a rescue group, and ended up testing negative at his re-test! Great news! The little darlings were now adoptable!
We kind of laid low and no one bothered us, but eventually the foster coordinator emailed about 6 weeks ago to make sure we were keeping them. If so, we had to have them neutered, then we could fill out the papers, pay the adoption fee ($75 each, yikes), and they would be mine!
I got an email yesterday that if I wanted them, I could have them for free because the shelter is about to change locations and they were really trying to get as many animals as possible out of the shelter. Oh, happy day!
So, I received my official e-mail today, with adoption certificates, medical records, and congratulations. My precious little kitties are now mine forever!
Wow, do I love these guys! They have the best purr, they are so fun, and are okay with being held and dragged around 7-year-old boy style. They just adore me, a little too much sometimes. Truly, Shy Guy and White Out have played a huge role in getting me through these last three months. And now they're MINE :) :) :) :) :)
I was afraid that we wouldn't be able to handle them, or that one of the kids would be allergic, or that it just wouldn't work out, so I decided to give fostering a try. These particular fosters were unadoptable because they had to be quarantined due to exposure to feline leukemia. They came in as strays, and one of their litter mates tested positive. They had tested negative, but they needed to be alone for 8 weeks and then re-tested. If they tested negative, and everything worked out, we would keep them. If they tested positive, they would be put to sleep. We found out after only 2 weeks into fostering that their littermate had been picked up by a rescue group, and ended up testing negative at his re-test! Great news! The little darlings were now adoptable!
We kind of laid low and no one bothered us, but eventually the foster coordinator emailed about 6 weeks ago to make sure we were keeping them. If so, we had to have them neutered, then we could fill out the papers, pay the adoption fee ($75 each, yikes), and they would be mine!
I got an email yesterday that if I wanted them, I could have them for free because the shelter is about to change locations and they were really trying to get as many animals as possible out of the shelter. Oh, happy day!
So, I received my official e-mail today, with adoption certificates, medical records, and congratulations. My precious little kitties are now mine forever!
Wow, do I love these guys! They have the best purr, they are so fun, and are okay with being held and dragged around 7-year-old boy style. They just adore me, a little too much sometimes. Truly, Shy Guy and White Out have played a huge role in getting me through these last three months. And now they're MINE :) :) :) :) :)
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Christmas Ornaments
As I was walking through the store today, I decided to meander down the many aisles of Christmas decor which is already prominently displayed. I saw aisles of stockings and little Christmas villages, garland and trees, various forms of fake pine things, but mostly I saw ornaments.
This got me thinking - Of all the ornaments we own (or is it I own? Who really owns them?), probably 95 percent of them have a story. Of the ornaments with stories, probably 95 percent of those stories involve me and my ex. So, here's the question. Do I put those ornaments on the tree? My tree? Or, do I pack them away? Do I give them to him (NO!). What is the proper etiquette here? I just don't know. I suspect, because kids are involved, we will continue to put them on the tree as is. They are their memories, too. I will likely leave off ones that were specifically for our wedding (like the bride and groom with our names on it), but otherwise, the rest will go up. I hope it ends up being the right thing.
This got me thinking - Of all the ornaments we own (or is it I own? Who really owns them?), probably 95 percent of them have a story. Of the ornaments with stories, probably 95 percent of those stories involve me and my ex. So, here's the question. Do I put those ornaments on the tree? My tree? Or, do I pack them away? Do I give them to him (NO!). What is the proper etiquette here? I just don't know. I suspect, because kids are involved, we will continue to put them on the tree as is. They are their memories, too. I will likely leave off ones that were specifically for our wedding (like the bride and groom with our names on it), but otherwise, the rest will go up. I hope it ends up being the right thing.
Monday, November 7, 2011
Counting down to Christmas! And Family!
Only 6 weeks and 2 days til I get to see my mom and dad, and my brother, too!!!!!! Need I say more than that? I'm not a big "I have to have my family person," but boy this stretch was a long one. So many times I've been tempted to just call my mom and ask her to please come see me. I knew she couldn't and I didn't want to worry her, so I just learned to cope.
They are staying for a whole week, which will seem long at the time as we adjust to all living under one roof, but then the day will come to say goodbye, and it will be sad all over again. Sometimes, I think it would be better if they didn't come so I wouldn't have to say goodbye.
The kids are excited for their visit and we are going to make a countdown calendar in anticipation of their visit. We can't wait! We are not even going to do anything, just be together. We are planning a trip to Six Flags to go to Holiday in the Park, but other than that it's going to be a perfectly low key week (with the exception of Christmas, of course).
Until then, thank God for texting and e-mail, and for the power of the human voice. I've said it before, but it deserves to be said again, never underestimate the power of the human voice. All the texting and emailing in the world cannot even begin to make up for just 10 minutes talking on the phone.
They are staying for a whole week, which will seem long at the time as we adjust to all living under one roof, but then the day will come to say goodbye, and it will be sad all over again. Sometimes, I think it would be better if they didn't come so I wouldn't have to say goodbye.
The kids are excited for their visit and we are going to make a countdown calendar in anticipation of their visit. We can't wait! We are not even going to do anything, just be together. We are planning a trip to Six Flags to go to Holiday in the Park, but other than that it's going to be a perfectly low key week (with the exception of Christmas, of course).
Until then, thank God for texting and e-mail, and for the power of the human voice. I've said it before, but it deserves to be said again, never underestimate the power of the human voice. All the texting and emailing in the world cannot even begin to make up for just 10 minutes talking on the phone.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
(Im)Perfect Parenting
An entry I started several weeks ago:
Tonight Alex asked me to read to him for the first time in maybe a year. I was busy, tempted to say not tonight, but then I realized what I was about to give up - a chance to just hang with my big little boy. I admit that one reason I had stopped reading to him is that he has gotten into bigger kid books - Harry Potter and the like- and I hate reading aloud. The thought of reading a book like that aloud, UGH! But, I went anyway, because I wanted to take advantage of the limited time I get with him anyway.
I went and sat on his bed and he pulled his book of choice out from under his pillow. My heart melted when I saw what he chose - Frog and Toad. I guess my big boy isn't so big after all :)
My Skylar has been a nightmare lately! She has been practicing for her teen years for 8 years now, but holy cow! She is really perfecting it quite nicely! She is mouthy, doesn't listen, rolls her eyes and talks under her breath, is a drama queen, and is really just not that much fun anymore. Two nights ago we had a family movie night/sleepover in my bed. I fell asleep before they did, big surprise, but when I woke up to find them sound asleep, I took one look at her precious face and remembered what a beautiful little girl she is.
I've been going through a really difficult parenting time. Trying to decided what is the best thing for both me and my children is not easy. Wanting the absolute best, but being unable to give it is a painful and frustrating process sometimes. What I have been reminded of, however, is that it's not perfection they seek. They just want to be loved and appreciated and cared for. Even though I am about as far from perfect as can be when it comes to parenting, I love them more than anything. That, in itself, will be enough to give.
Tonight Alex asked me to read to him for the first time in maybe a year. I was busy, tempted to say not tonight, but then I realized what I was about to give up - a chance to just hang with my big little boy. I admit that one reason I had stopped reading to him is that he has gotten into bigger kid books - Harry Potter and the like- and I hate reading aloud. The thought of reading a book like that aloud, UGH! But, I went anyway, because I wanted to take advantage of the limited time I get with him anyway.
I went and sat on his bed and he pulled his book of choice out from under his pillow. My heart melted when I saw what he chose - Frog and Toad. I guess my big boy isn't so big after all :)
My Skylar has been a nightmare lately! She has been practicing for her teen years for 8 years now, but holy cow! She is really perfecting it quite nicely! She is mouthy, doesn't listen, rolls her eyes and talks under her breath, is a drama queen, and is really just not that much fun anymore. Two nights ago we had a family movie night/sleepover in my bed. I fell asleep before they did, big surprise, but when I woke up to find them sound asleep, I took one look at her precious face and remembered what a beautiful little girl she is.
I've been going through a really difficult parenting time. Trying to decided what is the best thing for both me and my children is not easy. Wanting the absolute best, but being unable to give it is a painful and frustrating process sometimes. What I have been reminded of, however, is that it's not perfection they seek. They just want to be loved and appreciated and cared for. Even though I am about as far from perfect as can be when it comes to parenting, I love them more than anything. That, in itself, will be enough to give.
Monday, October 31, 2011
My Mental Health Awareness Soapbox
I don't get on this kick very often, but it's late and I've had way too much sugar and caffeine, so you get the real, unedited, me tonight.
Jerry is bi-polar. Karen is schizophrenic. Susan is depressed. Tom is ADHD. Ahhh, labels. We seem to love them, especially when it comes to labeling people.
Mental health. We all need it. Most of us feel like we lack it at one time or another. But for the people who truly struggle with mental illness, being even partially mentally healthy would be a dream come true. For some reason, society has come to the conclusion that those who have a mental illness are crazy, or stupid, or dangerous, or otherwise less worthy of living a good life. As soon as one of the labels I mentioned above is given, images of what that person acts like instantly pop into most people's heads.
The sad thing is, most of these images are inaccurate, and often quite hurtful. We tend to marginalize those with mental illness, when they already feel excluded just based on the diagnosis alone. As a result, the illness, or the effects of it, often become worse. It quickly becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy.
The truth is that people with mental illness are all around us. It could be your neighbor, co-worker, cashier, family member, clergy, boss, homeless person, kid at the bus stop, me, or even yourself. In fact, every person I know who has some kind of mental health diagnosis appears normal most of the time. They maintain jobs and homes, raise normal children,go to church, drive cars, get groceries and haircuts, and otherwise contribute to society in meaningful ways.
Thanks to modern medications, many of these illnesses can be controlled, but some cannot. Lifestyle changes also play an important part in maintaining mental health. People with mental illness are often counseled to eat right, exercise, stay away from alcohol and illegal or addicting drugs, maintain a regular schedule, get enough sleep on a regular schedule, and do all the other "good" things anyone should do to stay healthy. But, wouldn't it get old knowing that you have to always do these things or risk outing yourself as a crazy person?
Before someone comments on how I just used the word crazy to refer to mental illness, I will clarify. First, the word crazy is used by society quite often to describe mentally ill people, so it has become pretty much the vernacular language. Secondly, to behave crazily means to act erratically or without reason. Anyone can act crazy, regardless of their mental health status. Too often, people do not separate the behavior from the person. As a teacher, I know this is an easy mistake to make, especially when the behavior is crazy.
To end this eclectic composition of various mental health ideas, I just want to give this basic message. Please be kind one another. I don't know what the person next to me is going through anymore than you know. It is impossible to tell why someone acts the way they do. And it is unfair to assume that just because someone appears "normal" that they are not working their tails off to maintain that appearance. Always be cautious about assuming, because we all know what happens when you assume (it makes an ass out of you and, well, really that's it, just you). In the end, it goes back to the very thing our parents taught us a youngsters - if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.
Jerry is bi-polar. Karen is schizophrenic. Susan is depressed. Tom is ADHD. Ahhh, labels. We seem to love them, especially when it comes to labeling people.
Mental health. We all need it. Most of us feel like we lack it at one time or another. But for the people who truly struggle with mental illness, being even partially mentally healthy would be a dream come true. For some reason, society has come to the conclusion that those who have a mental illness are crazy, or stupid, or dangerous, or otherwise less worthy of living a good life. As soon as one of the labels I mentioned above is given, images of what that person acts like instantly pop into most people's heads.
The sad thing is, most of these images are inaccurate, and often quite hurtful. We tend to marginalize those with mental illness, when they already feel excluded just based on the diagnosis alone. As a result, the illness, or the effects of it, often become worse. It quickly becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy.
The truth is that people with mental illness are all around us. It could be your neighbor, co-worker, cashier, family member, clergy, boss, homeless person, kid at the bus stop, me, or even yourself. In fact, every person I know who has some kind of mental health diagnosis appears normal most of the time. They maintain jobs and homes, raise normal children,go to church, drive cars, get groceries and haircuts, and otherwise contribute to society in meaningful ways.
Thanks to modern medications, many of these illnesses can be controlled, but some cannot. Lifestyle changes also play an important part in maintaining mental health. People with mental illness are often counseled to eat right, exercise, stay away from alcohol and illegal or addicting drugs, maintain a regular schedule, get enough sleep on a regular schedule, and do all the other "good" things anyone should do to stay healthy. But, wouldn't it get old knowing that you have to always do these things or risk outing yourself as a crazy person?
Before someone comments on how I just used the word crazy to refer to mental illness, I will clarify. First, the word crazy is used by society quite often to describe mentally ill people, so it has become pretty much the vernacular language. Secondly, to behave crazily means to act erratically or without reason. Anyone can act crazy, regardless of their mental health status. Too often, people do not separate the behavior from the person. As a teacher, I know this is an easy mistake to make, especially when the behavior is crazy.
To end this eclectic composition of various mental health ideas, I just want to give this basic message. Please be kind one another. I don't know what the person next to me is going through anymore than you know. It is impossible to tell why someone acts the way they do. And it is unfair to assume that just because someone appears "normal" that they are not working their tails off to maintain that appearance. Always be cautious about assuming, because we all know what happens when you assume (it makes an ass out of you and, well, really that's it, just you). In the end, it goes back to the very thing our parents taught us a youngsters - if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Gratitude Post
Been in a pretty depressed and blah mood for way too long, so it's time to remind myself of all the things I have to be thankful for, so, in no particular order:
Friends who care enough to tell it like it is
Friends who don't judge
Friends who know the real imperfect me, and love me anyway
People who notice when I don't seem ok, and friends who are actually kind enough to ask
My kids
A safe house to live in
Food on the table
Good health, and access to medical care when we need it
A good stable job that I love (most days)
My education, and therefore my ability to remain independent
People who love me, even when I may not really deserve it
People who challenge me to love them, even when they may not really deserve it
Hot wings
Pumpkin ice cream
An ex-husband who is usually semi-reasonable to work with; if I have to have an ex, he's a decent one to have
Students who challenge me to become more patient, kind, and loving every day
Students who are fun, and who I can have a decent and intelligent conversation with (thank God for 8th graders!)
My kitties; their purring could heal anybody's broken heart
One student in particular who tells me every day how happy she is to see me and how much she loves me
My family of origin - my mom and dad, brother and sister
Finding a big box of old pictures, lots of them with me and my Grandmothers, who I still miss very much
Cooler weather, which brings the desire to actually sit outside and enjoy it
My kindle and free e-books
My Promethean Board at work (it's a love/hate relationship, but when it's good, I really enjoy it)
I'm sure I left a lot off this list, but I think this is enough to at least get my mind headed in the right direction before I head to bed.
Friends who care enough to tell it like it is
Friends who don't judge
Friends who know the real imperfect me, and love me anyway
People who notice when I don't seem ok, and friends who are actually kind enough to ask
My kids
A safe house to live in
Food on the table
Good health, and access to medical care when we need it
A good stable job that I love (most days)
My education, and therefore my ability to remain independent
People who love me, even when I may not really deserve it
People who challenge me to love them, even when they may not really deserve it
Hot wings
Pumpkin ice cream
An ex-husband who is usually semi-reasonable to work with; if I have to have an ex, he's a decent one to have
Students who challenge me to become more patient, kind, and loving every day
Students who are fun, and who I can have a decent and intelligent conversation with (thank God for 8th graders!)
My kitties; their purring could heal anybody's broken heart
One student in particular who tells me every day how happy she is to see me and how much she loves me
My family of origin - my mom and dad, brother and sister
Finding a big box of old pictures, lots of them with me and my Grandmothers, who I still miss very much
Cooler weather, which brings the desire to actually sit outside and enjoy it
My kindle and free e-books
My Promethean Board at work (it's a love/hate relationship, but when it's good, I really enjoy it)
I'm sure I left a lot off this list, but I think this is enough to at least get my mind headed in the right direction before I head to bed.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Lessons learned
At almost 33 years old, I would like to think I have figured out life. Of course, the truth is, I haven't, nor will I ever figure out all of life's mysteries. If that were even possible, I fear people would just shrivel up and die because there would really be little left to live for since all the excitement would be over. Over the last three months I have learned a lot lessons about myself, others, and life in general.
Starting with the positives will make me feel like a glass is half full kind of gal, so here goes.
First, and most importantly, I have learned that some people can, in fact be trusted. Not everyone who finds out my flaws and quirks is going to turn it against me or just leave. Many times, this has been my experience; retraining myself to think otherwise has taken a lot of work on my part, and on the part of the people who have taken the time to show me, without getting sick of me. I still have a long way to go here, but I'm really trying.
At the same time, I have learned never to trust anyone more than I trust myself. With the exception of God, who is always looking out for me, and a small select handful of friends who I know have my back when I don't have it myself, no one else should be trusted to take my best interest into account. People are inherently greedy, and while many don't set out specifically to serve their own best interest, in the end that is always to goal. Not that this is a bad thing; I consider it just the way life goes. This includes myself, whether I realize it or not.
I've also learned that good enough is often just that - good enough. While I still believe it is always important to put my best effort into all that I do, there are times when my best effort isn't perfection, which is okay.
I think I'll end there, on a positive note. And by sharing a favorite quote of mine:
All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.
Henry Ellis
Starting with the positives will make me feel like a glass is half full kind of gal, so here goes.
First, and most importantly, I have learned that some people can, in fact be trusted. Not everyone who finds out my flaws and quirks is going to turn it against me or just leave. Many times, this has been my experience; retraining myself to think otherwise has taken a lot of work on my part, and on the part of the people who have taken the time to show me, without getting sick of me. I still have a long way to go here, but I'm really trying.
At the same time, I have learned never to trust anyone more than I trust myself. With the exception of God, who is always looking out for me, and a small select handful of friends who I know have my back when I don't have it myself, no one else should be trusted to take my best interest into account. People are inherently greedy, and while many don't set out specifically to serve their own best interest, in the end that is always to goal. Not that this is a bad thing; I consider it just the way life goes. This includes myself, whether I realize it or not.
I've also learned that good enough is often just that - good enough. While I still believe it is always important to put my best effort into all that I do, there are times when my best effort isn't perfection, which is okay.
I think I'll end there, on a positive note. And by sharing a favorite quote of mine:
All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.
Henry Ellis
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
So, I guess I've reached the point in my life where I can almost say, yeah, I got divorced once. A long time ago. I know it hasn't really been that long, less than 3 months to be exact. Still, life has moved along, and with it I guess I have, too. Believe me, I still have my weepy, "where did my 'perfect' life go moments," but they are much fewer and much farther in between. Additionally, when I see others going through the same boat I was in not too long ago, I no longer feel the need to cry with them. I don't see myself in that boat anymore, which is a good thing. Now, I'm probably in the boat next to them.
I guess I just never noticed it before, but divorce is a common thread these days. It seems everywhere I look someone *I* know is getting divorced, like me. I feel like such a trendsetter sometimes :) I wonder if there will ever come a day when there is no one left to get divorced? That's a kind of scary thought.
So, I'm floating along in my non-going through a divorce boat, just taking stuff as it comes. As long as it doesn't come too hard or fast, I'm good. When it comes too hard and fast, well, I've gotten really good at praying quickly :)
Other completely random thoughts for today -
Skylar has started hyphenating her name (My last name - her last name). It's sweet, but sad, too. She is trying so hard to make sense of this thing that just doesn't make sense.
Alex has decided that in order to be the tether ball champion, he is going to play with the really good player, pretend he doesn't know what he's doing, learn the other kid's tricks, practice them on someone else, then come back and use the kid's own moves to beat him. I'm such a proud parent :)
I guess I just never noticed it before, but divorce is a common thread these days. It seems everywhere I look someone *I* know is getting divorced, like me. I feel like such a trendsetter sometimes :) I wonder if there will ever come a day when there is no one left to get divorced? That's a kind of scary thought.
So, I'm floating along in my non-going through a divorce boat, just taking stuff as it comes. As long as it doesn't come too hard or fast, I'm good. When it comes too hard and fast, well, I've gotten really good at praying quickly :)
Other completely random thoughts for today -
Skylar has started hyphenating her name (My last name - her last name). It's sweet, but sad, too. She is trying so hard to make sense of this thing that just doesn't make sense.
Alex has decided that in order to be the tether ball champion, he is going to play with the really good player, pretend he doesn't know what he's doing, learn the other kid's tricks, practice them on someone else, then come back and use the kid's own moves to beat him. I'm such a proud parent :)
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
That's What Friends are For..
I would like to say that I have been blessed with some of the best friends around. Many times, they have come to my rescue, more so in the last 6 months than ever before. It is comforting to know that one phone call and whatever I cannot handle will be taken care of by someone who loves me on the other end of the phone, even if they, themselves, are busy.
From the tangible to the intangible, my welfare is being looked out for by others all around me. When I needed (and still need) someone to cry to, they are there, though they understand I will not actually cry in front of them, and they don't push me there, either. I have been consumed with paperwork in the last six months, as well. Whether it was filing divorce paperwork, child support orders, work for my classes, or mortgage paperwork, it all gets crazy and overwhelming to me. I know that, in the end, I could have taken care of it eventually, but having someone to get me through that step today just renewed my spirit for everything else I need to tackle today.
Finishing up my paper for my final master's class has been a nightmare. Due to my own mistake and oversight, I ended up have to re-find all of my references from 18 months ago! All 45 of them! What a nightmare! It had me in tears for days. Thank you for helping me take care of that, even though it took days of your time, as well. When I get stressed that I won't finish, or that I want to quit, they jump to my side and keep me going.
Those are just the big crises I have been through in the last couple weeks, but there are several smaller ones, where others have jumped to my aide. Sorting out the maze of family court, organizing my house, caring for my kids when I needed a break, finding a way for us to get to NY for our vacation, covering my butt at work when I couldn't stand in front of a group of students without crying, getting me out of the house for a change, and just telling me it will be okay. Sometimes, just a facebook note that I am okay, have not lost my mind, and will get through whatever the crisis of the moment is makes me feel so much stronger. All these things have gotten me through the times when I wasn't quite as tough as I try to appear.
Through this entire process, I have learned to lean on those around me more than ever before. I am learning that my life does not need to be a completely closed book, and that opening up gives people the opportunity to offer me the help they have to give. I have learned that I am not alone in every adventure life throws my way, nor do I have to take control of everything, because others can, and will, do it.
Finally, the thing that touches me the most, is that when I say thank you, or I owe you, or any other term of gratitude, they all just smile and say you're welcome, in that way that tells me I never have to repay them. It's just what friends do.
From the tangible to the intangible, my welfare is being looked out for by others all around me. When I needed (and still need) someone to cry to, they are there, though they understand I will not actually cry in front of them, and they don't push me there, either. I have been consumed with paperwork in the last six months, as well. Whether it was filing divorce paperwork, child support orders, work for my classes, or mortgage paperwork, it all gets crazy and overwhelming to me. I know that, in the end, I could have taken care of it eventually, but having someone to get me through that step today just renewed my spirit for everything else I need to tackle today.
Finishing up my paper for my final master's class has been a nightmare. Due to my own mistake and oversight, I ended up have to re-find all of my references from 18 months ago! All 45 of them! What a nightmare! It had me in tears for days. Thank you for helping me take care of that, even though it took days of your time, as well. When I get stressed that I won't finish, or that I want to quit, they jump to my side and keep me going.
Those are just the big crises I have been through in the last couple weeks, but there are several smaller ones, where others have jumped to my aide. Sorting out the maze of family court, organizing my house, caring for my kids when I needed a break, finding a way for us to get to NY for our vacation, covering my butt at work when I couldn't stand in front of a group of students without crying, getting me out of the house for a change, and just telling me it will be okay. Sometimes, just a facebook note that I am okay, have not lost my mind, and will get through whatever the crisis of the moment is makes me feel so much stronger. All these things have gotten me through the times when I wasn't quite as tough as I try to appear.
Through this entire process, I have learned to lean on those around me more than ever before. I am learning that my life does not need to be a completely closed book, and that opening up gives people the opportunity to offer me the help they have to give. I have learned that I am not alone in every adventure life throws my way, nor do I have to take control of everything, because others can, and will, do it.
Finally, the thing that touches me the most, is that when I say thank you, or I owe you, or any other term of gratitude, they all just smile and say you're welcome, in that way that tells me I never have to repay them. It's just what friends do.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
My Baby Girl's Turning 11!
Reflections on the last 11 years with my baby girl:
I found out I was pregnant the day before I started my first job after finishing college. No insurance, Fiancee has no job. I cried how this pregnancy didn't fit into my life plan, I just couldn't have a baby. I wasn't supposed to have a baby for another 3 years! Luckily, my now ex was a reasonable person and talked some sense into me. He took good care of me and her. Soon after, I became so excited about our soon to be baby girl, and couldn't wait for her arrival.
Skylar was born 8 days past her due date, for which I was so thankful, having just moved from NY to VT at 38 weeks. This was a good move so that my ex would have a job and I could stay home with her.
What a precious baby she was. Perfect in every way. She had the most beautiful eyes, fingers, toes, well, everything really. She also had the best smile, laugh, and everything else. It's so easy to fall in love with such a perfect blessing, as all parents will tell you (since all babies are perfect).
When she was 2, she went through the cute little pigtails stage. She finally started talking, and hasn't stopped since. She was easy to potty train, and lived for helping me around the house.
When she turned 3, we moved back to NY. Our living situation was bad, and I could sense it in her. Even at 3, she was unhappy. Still, she was my precious baby girl. She loved to play at the park and go to the library. She wanted to be Bob the Builder when she grew up and was offended if anyone called her Wendy. She was Bob for Halloween, had all of his characters, and when she got her first big girl canopy bed, I had to make her a Bob the Builder canopy for it. That was my first sewing project ever. She also wanted to be Mary Poppins. She would watch it every day, and on the days I said no, but offered to put the music on instead, she would stare at the blank tv and tell me she was "watching" it. She used to say when she wanted to change activities, "I have to go now, the winds have changed." Silly girl! For Christmas that year she wanted a fire truck, a blue marble, and a purple parasol.
At 4, we had moved again and live in her grandparents' house. What a blessing they were! With a new baby, living on my own while my ex was out of town, they were life savers. Her Pepa was her best friend. And she loved our new home. She loved to ride her tricycle all over town, and still lived for the library. She made her first best friend, Ana. They were so stinking cute together! This is when she started to show herself as truly kind and compassionate. She was very responsible and took care of herself well for just 4 years old. At the time we thought she was so big, looking back, she was sooooo little! Her Pepa died this year, after living with them for a year, which was tough on her. She still remembers that day.
At 5, she went to preschool again, instead of kindergarten. All the kids loved her, and she loved them. She was such a smart girl, but we made the decision because she was socially "still learning." I'm glad we made the choice, she fits right in now. She began doing things like t-ball and swimming lessons. She was an awesome swimmer, once I paid her a quarter to put her head all the way under :) Who says bribery is wrong?!
At 6, she went to Kindergarten. I cried. My baby girl didn't need me anymore! She was "the boss" of the classroom. Her teacher told me, "She likes to be the leader." I said, "just go ahead and say she's bossy, I know." The thing was, kids LOVED her! They let her get away with anything. It was the most amazing thing I had ever seen! She was so precious and amazing in so many ways.
At 7, she didn't do so well in 1st grade. There were problems that I will blame on the school. It was a challenging time. This was the year it occurred to me that parenting wasn't always easy. It was a tough year. She was so smart, but something just wasn't right. She was a bear to deal with, and we started getting reports that she was being rude and uncooperative in school. Hmmm... I wonder what's wrong? We later found out that there were a few factors at play, but the biggest was her huge adnoids making her not sleep well, and she was miserable. Once they came out (a year later), she was a different kid. The thing was, I begged doctors from 3 years old to take them out, but they kept telling me there was nothing wrong with her. Stupid doctors!
At 8, we moved to Texas. It was a difficult move for us all, but she acclimated to her new school well. I loved her school. She was finally challenged academically, but not so much socially, which was a good thing. She missed her old life, but made new friends quickly for the first time ever. She got her purple and turquoise room, which she still loves. She loved to sing and read, and read some more. She loved science and math, and hated that girls only liked Hannah Montana and High School Musical.
At 9, she was pretty much the same as 8, only more mature. She started working on becoming a pre-teen with her attitude. Good thing, by 9, we already love them so much :)
Last year, she was in 4th grade, and she met her best friend. They get along so well. Of course, he's a boy, so we tease them non-stop about how they are in love. They deny it, but we all know better. I think they're soulmates. They love to play the same stuff, they are both very smart, and very mature. They are both pretty old for their grade, so I think that is why they get along so well. Plus, he's handsome, cute, smart, funny, kind, and has a great sister and mom. This is the family I want for my in-laws! She did so well in school this year, which was a huge boost to her self esteem.
So, now, my baby girl's turning 11. Her dad and I got divorced this year, but she seems to handle it okay. She's not happy, I know, but she has also matured enough to comprehend it. She finally made it into the gifted and talented program, of which she is very proud. But, boy, I'm seeing the homework that comes home already, and holy cow! Good thing she likes homework! She really likes the kids in her class, as they are all g/t or should be g/t so they tend to think the same non-trendy ways. Skylar is her own girl, and that is why people love her. She isn't afraid to speak her mind, and won't just go with the crowd.
I am so proud of my little girl. I couldn't have asked for a better child. I just hope she knows how much I love her, especially in the midst of our pre-teen power struggles. I am the luckiest mommy alive! I thank God every day for giving me her to take care of for Him.
I found out I was pregnant the day before I started my first job after finishing college. No insurance, Fiancee has no job. I cried how this pregnancy didn't fit into my life plan, I just couldn't have a baby. I wasn't supposed to have a baby for another 3 years! Luckily, my now ex was a reasonable person and talked some sense into me. He took good care of me and her. Soon after, I became so excited about our soon to be baby girl, and couldn't wait for her arrival.
Skylar was born 8 days past her due date, for which I was so thankful, having just moved from NY to VT at 38 weeks. This was a good move so that my ex would have a job and I could stay home with her.
What a precious baby she was. Perfect in every way. She had the most beautiful eyes, fingers, toes, well, everything really. She also had the best smile, laugh, and everything else. It's so easy to fall in love with such a perfect blessing, as all parents will tell you (since all babies are perfect).
When she was 2, she went through the cute little pigtails stage. She finally started talking, and hasn't stopped since. She was easy to potty train, and lived for helping me around the house.
When she turned 3, we moved back to NY. Our living situation was bad, and I could sense it in her. Even at 3, she was unhappy. Still, she was my precious baby girl. She loved to play at the park and go to the library. She wanted to be Bob the Builder when she grew up and was offended if anyone called her Wendy. She was Bob for Halloween, had all of his characters, and when she got her first big girl canopy bed, I had to make her a Bob the Builder canopy for it. That was my first sewing project ever. She also wanted to be Mary Poppins. She would watch it every day, and on the days I said no, but offered to put the music on instead, she would stare at the blank tv and tell me she was "watching" it. She used to say when she wanted to change activities, "I have to go now, the winds have changed." Silly girl! For Christmas that year she wanted a fire truck, a blue marble, and a purple parasol.
At 4, we had moved again and live in her grandparents' house. What a blessing they were! With a new baby, living on my own while my ex was out of town, they were life savers. Her Pepa was her best friend. And she loved our new home. She loved to ride her tricycle all over town, and still lived for the library. She made her first best friend, Ana. They were so stinking cute together! This is when she started to show herself as truly kind and compassionate. She was very responsible and took care of herself well for just 4 years old. At the time we thought she was so big, looking back, she was sooooo little! Her Pepa died this year, after living with them for a year, which was tough on her. She still remembers that day.
At 5, she went to preschool again, instead of kindergarten. All the kids loved her, and she loved them. She was such a smart girl, but we made the decision because she was socially "still learning." I'm glad we made the choice, she fits right in now. She began doing things like t-ball and swimming lessons. She was an awesome swimmer, once I paid her a quarter to put her head all the way under :) Who says bribery is wrong?!
At 6, she went to Kindergarten. I cried. My baby girl didn't need me anymore! She was "the boss" of the classroom. Her teacher told me, "She likes to be the leader." I said, "just go ahead and say she's bossy, I know." The thing was, kids LOVED her! They let her get away with anything. It was the most amazing thing I had ever seen! She was so precious and amazing in so many ways.
At 7, she didn't do so well in 1st grade. There were problems that I will blame on the school. It was a challenging time. This was the year it occurred to me that parenting wasn't always easy. It was a tough year. She was so smart, but something just wasn't right. She was a bear to deal with, and we started getting reports that she was being rude and uncooperative in school. Hmmm... I wonder what's wrong? We later found out that there were a few factors at play, but the biggest was her huge adnoids making her not sleep well, and she was miserable. Once they came out (a year later), she was a different kid. The thing was, I begged doctors from 3 years old to take them out, but they kept telling me there was nothing wrong with her. Stupid doctors!
At 8, we moved to Texas. It was a difficult move for us all, but she acclimated to her new school well. I loved her school. She was finally challenged academically, but not so much socially, which was a good thing. She missed her old life, but made new friends quickly for the first time ever. She got her purple and turquoise room, which she still loves. She loved to sing and read, and read some more. She loved science and math, and hated that girls only liked Hannah Montana and High School Musical.
At 9, she was pretty much the same as 8, only more mature. She started working on becoming a pre-teen with her attitude. Good thing, by 9, we already love them so much :)
Last year, she was in 4th grade, and she met her best friend. They get along so well. Of course, he's a boy, so we tease them non-stop about how they are in love. They deny it, but we all know better. I think they're soulmates. They love to play the same stuff, they are both very smart, and very mature. They are both pretty old for their grade, so I think that is why they get along so well. Plus, he's handsome, cute, smart, funny, kind, and has a great sister and mom. This is the family I want for my in-laws! She did so well in school this year, which was a huge boost to her self esteem.
So, now, my baby girl's turning 11. Her dad and I got divorced this year, but she seems to handle it okay. She's not happy, I know, but she has also matured enough to comprehend it. She finally made it into the gifted and talented program, of which she is very proud. But, boy, I'm seeing the homework that comes home already, and holy cow! Good thing she likes homework! She really likes the kids in her class, as they are all g/t or should be g/t so they tend to think the same non-trendy ways. Skylar is her own girl, and that is why people love her. She isn't afraid to speak her mind, and won't just go with the crowd.
I am so proud of my little girl. I couldn't have asked for a better child. I just hope she knows how much I love her, especially in the midst of our pre-teen power struggles. I am the luckiest mommy alive! I thank God every day for giving me her to take care of for Him.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
So many thoughts running through my head, keeping me awake, so I figure I might as well just get them out on paper.
Conversation I had a couple days ago:
Guy: "I'm available, but I want to be honest with you that I am seeing someone."
Me: "As in you both know you're not exclusive? If so, fine. If not, no thanks."
Guy: "No, we're exclusive. I just wanted to be honest so you can make the right decision." WTH???
Thoughts on my "baby" girl's birthday on Sunday:
On birthday mornings, the kids wake up to a bunch of balloons in their room, which were hidden in my closet from the night before. There is a gift on the floor, then another on the table. Breakfast of choice is served, then hugs and kisses off to school, or hang around the house and be birthday-ful, It's a great tradition. Skylar will be at her dad's. Maybe next year will be my turn.
Kittens:
Why do they think 4 a.m. is the time to start chasing each other around on my bed? Or, time to decide to snuggle right next to me? That's fine, but the purring wakes me up.
Why are they perfectly happy to chase a bread tie, but don't even notice their toys?
Why do they wait for me to come home, then run upstairs and cry for me? Why not come downstairs and see me?
Work:
Well, it's a job. The kids seem good. I love my job, but still, I can think of other ways to spend my time.
School:
I'm wanting to kill the APA for changing the formatting of their papers between June of last year and now. Apparently they have decided that 2 spaces instead of 1 after a period is crucial to understanding the content. So, I am now required to go back and respace every sentence on 25 pages. Because I have nothing better to do with my time.
Football:
I will be attending my first UT game on Saturday. I'm thinking that if I were to randomly choose a game to attend, that perhaps the first one of the season won't be the easiest one to get to as far as traffic and parking, etc. Hmmm... shoulda thought that one out a little better. But at least it's football, and I haven't been to a game in a LONG time.
Friends:
I have managed to not tick anybody off this week. It's only Wednesday, though, so you never know what might happen in the next couple days. I have good friends, though. The kind that understand I can be a little nutty, and they love me anyway :) I should clarify by saying I haven't ticked off anyone that matters.
My birthday:
Hey, my birthday is in 40 days. I will be 33. I'm gonna throw myself a party! Okay, not really, because, well, no, I'm just not going to. But when y'all get together to plan my surprise party for me, I'll pretend I don't know it's happening :) (Like how I stuck the y'all in there just to butter y'all up?)
Water:
The area I'm from is flooded. Again. Not the exact town, but the general area. Enough already with the water! Ship it here. It would revive the economy of that area, and keep us alive down here.
I think I've covered the whole spectrum of topics. I think the only things I left off are sex and drugs, but hey, since we're here:
Sex:
Make sure you check out http://relationsyou.com so you can download the app to keep track of all your intimate encounters with multiple partners. It advertises that it will help you keep track of who catches what from whom. I feel so much better having all that info right in one place (KIDDING!)
Sex again:
Did you know that semen contains both zinc and calcium, both of which are known to prevent tooth decay? Enough said. http://www.sheknows.com/love-and-sex/articles/803194/fun-sex-facts
And, while I'm on a roll, and I know you're still reading, because who can say no?:
The sale of sex toys is banned in Alabama and Missisippi. Just in case someone was planning a little get away, you might want to plan ahead.
Conversation I had a couple days ago:
Guy: "I'm available, but I want to be honest with you that I am seeing someone."
Me: "As in you both know you're not exclusive? If so, fine. If not, no thanks."
Guy: "No, we're exclusive. I just wanted to be honest so you can make the right decision." WTH???
Thoughts on my "baby" girl's birthday on Sunday:
On birthday mornings, the kids wake up to a bunch of balloons in their room, which were hidden in my closet from the night before. There is a gift on the floor, then another on the table. Breakfast of choice is served, then hugs and kisses off to school, or hang around the house and be birthday-ful, It's a great tradition. Skylar will be at her dad's. Maybe next year will be my turn.
Kittens:
Why do they think 4 a.m. is the time to start chasing each other around on my bed? Or, time to decide to snuggle right next to me? That's fine, but the purring wakes me up.
Why are they perfectly happy to chase a bread tie, but don't even notice their toys?
Why do they wait for me to come home, then run upstairs and cry for me? Why not come downstairs and see me?
Work:
Well, it's a job. The kids seem good. I love my job, but still, I can think of other ways to spend my time.
School:
I'm wanting to kill the APA for changing the formatting of their papers between June of last year and now. Apparently they have decided that 2 spaces instead of 1 after a period is crucial to understanding the content. So, I am now required to go back and respace every sentence on 25 pages. Because I have nothing better to do with my time.
Football:
I will be attending my first UT game on Saturday. I'm thinking that if I were to randomly choose a game to attend, that perhaps the first one of the season won't be the easiest one to get to as far as traffic and parking, etc. Hmmm... shoulda thought that one out a little better. But at least it's football, and I haven't been to a game in a LONG time.
Friends:
I have managed to not tick anybody off this week. It's only Wednesday, though, so you never know what might happen in the next couple days. I have good friends, though. The kind that understand I can be a little nutty, and they love me anyway :) I should clarify by saying I haven't ticked off anyone that matters.
My birthday:
Hey, my birthday is in 40 days. I will be 33. I'm gonna throw myself a party! Okay, not really, because, well, no, I'm just not going to. But when y'all get together to plan my surprise party for me, I'll pretend I don't know it's happening :) (Like how I stuck the y'all in there just to butter y'all up?)
Water:
The area I'm from is flooded. Again. Not the exact town, but the general area. Enough already with the water! Ship it here. It would revive the economy of that area, and keep us alive down here.
I think I've covered the whole spectrum of topics. I think the only things I left off are sex and drugs, but hey, since we're here:
Sex:
Make sure you check out http://relationsyou.com so you can download the app to keep track of all your intimate encounters with multiple partners. It advertises that it will help you keep track of who catches what from whom. I feel so much better having all that info right in one place (KIDDING!)
Sex again:
Did you know that semen contains both zinc and calcium, both of which are known to prevent tooth decay? Enough said. http://www.sheknows.com/love-and-sex/articles/803194/fun-sex-facts
And, while I'm on a roll, and I know you're still reading, because who can say no?:
The sale of sex toys is banned in Alabama and Missisippi. Just in case someone was planning a little get away, you might want to plan ahead.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
One week down...
So, here we are. The day after the end of the first week of school. I think I speak for all of my teacher friends, when I say, "thank goodness!" It was exciting, and fast, and tiring. And, I speak for all my mom and dad friends when I say, "the school wants me to do WHAT with my kid at home?!" Either way, we all made it through, so now we're into the routine of school, homework, dinner, bed. I hate this routine, btw, because it doesn't leave much down time for kids or adults, but it seems that's just life these days.
My kids seem to be happy with school. Skylar admitted she didn't think she would like her teachers, but, of course, she loves them all. I'm not surprised at all. I have never met a teacher (or anyone) who doesn't love Skylar, but still, there is always that anticipation thinking, what if there is one that doesn't? I can tell from the work coming home that she will have no problem with keeping challenged.
Alex is probably your typical 7-year-old, second grade, boy. This year, we are in the process of teaching the tough lessons. Mainly, if you can't find sneakers, you wear torn apart crocs to school, the kids laugh at you, and you can't play PE. And, if you screw around all morning, and end up having to run to the car as it's pulling out of the driveway, and you forgot your backpack, tough luck for you. His teacher is being very supportive, and has already talked to him about the importance of getting ready for school and bringing his belongings every day. Maybe that will make the difference.
My goal for this year is to make it through with as little drama as possible (I am NOT a drama person, believe it or not), and to try to get some organization to my classroom, home, and life. Not too much to ask, is it? I'll just tell you right now, though, that the organization piece will be the challenge, since I am never organized. But, I can try, right?
My kids seem to be happy with school. Skylar admitted she didn't think she would like her teachers, but, of course, she loves them all. I'm not surprised at all. I have never met a teacher (or anyone) who doesn't love Skylar, but still, there is always that anticipation thinking, what if there is one that doesn't? I can tell from the work coming home that she will have no problem with keeping challenged.
Alex is probably your typical 7-year-old, second grade, boy. This year, we are in the process of teaching the tough lessons. Mainly, if you can't find sneakers, you wear torn apart crocs to school, the kids laugh at you, and you can't play PE. And, if you screw around all morning, and end up having to run to the car as it's pulling out of the driveway, and you forgot your backpack, tough luck for you. His teacher is being very supportive, and has already talked to him about the importance of getting ready for school and bringing his belongings every day. Maybe that will make the difference.
My goal for this year is to make it through with as little drama as possible (I am NOT a drama person, believe it or not), and to try to get some organization to my classroom, home, and life. Not too much to ask, is it? I'll just tell you right now, though, that the organization piece will be the challenge, since I am never organized. But, I can try, right?
Friday, August 26, 2011
The Biggest Oxymoron
"I want a divorce." I have decided that is the biggest contradiction of terms one could ever speak. This great revelation comes after months of contemplating how something that someone says they want can hurt so much. Well, here it is, my profound wisdom of the day:
Most rational people do not "want" a divorce. Nobody has on their bucket list, "get divorced." I can almost promise that. What people do want is a long, healthy, happy marriage. But when one of the partners that is supposed to help with that doesn't hold up their end of the deal, the marriage goes bad, and that's when the divorce comes into play. And, in all fairness, it probably also happens that neither person does their part.
So, here's my realization: Although I specifically yelled, "That's it, I'm done, I want a divorce!" I didn't really. My hands were tied, and there was nothing more that I could, so my only choices left were to stay in a horrible marriage or get divorced. I know I made the right choice, but it doesn't make it hurt any less.
I've been partaking in my fair share of cry therapy this week. Perhaps due to the fact that I am required to keep myself pulled together for a full 8.5 hours before I have time to think, and then it comes on hard and fast. Or, maybe because I'm tired. Or, that I'm going to reach 2 months of divorce tomorrow. Or that I really ticked off a friend, who now won't talk to me (their loss, I tell myself, but still...). Or, that my tooth still hurts and will be at least Monday before I can even think of seeing a dentist. Or, that my first baby is about to turn 11 and I really can't afford the party she has talked about for at least 6 months (this child asks for NOTHING, so I know she really wants this). Or, that my washer is still broken, my bathroom still unpainted, my carpets still unsteamed.
I think that's about all the whining I've got for tonight. I feel better already, thanks for listening :)
Most rational people do not "want" a divorce. Nobody has on their bucket list, "get divorced." I can almost promise that. What people do want is a long, healthy, happy marriage. But when one of the partners that is supposed to help with that doesn't hold up their end of the deal, the marriage goes bad, and that's when the divorce comes into play. And, in all fairness, it probably also happens that neither person does their part.
So, here's my realization: Although I specifically yelled, "That's it, I'm done, I want a divorce!" I didn't really. My hands were tied, and there was nothing more that I could, so my only choices left were to stay in a horrible marriage or get divorced. I know I made the right choice, but it doesn't make it hurt any less.
I've been partaking in my fair share of cry therapy this week. Perhaps due to the fact that I am required to keep myself pulled together for a full 8.5 hours before I have time to think, and then it comes on hard and fast. Or, maybe because I'm tired. Or, that I'm going to reach 2 months of divorce tomorrow. Or that I really ticked off a friend, who now won't talk to me (their loss, I tell myself, but still...). Or, that my tooth still hurts and will be at least Monday before I can even think of seeing a dentist. Or, that my first baby is about to turn 11 and I really can't afford the party she has talked about for at least 6 months (this child asks for NOTHING, so I know she really wants this). Or, that my washer is still broken, my bathroom still unpainted, my carpets still unsteamed.
I think that's about all the whining I've got for tonight. I feel better already, thanks for listening :)
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Book Swap
Today I went to a totally awesome book swap, hosted by Deborah Youens, our school librarian. How awesome is that that she takes care of not only students, but also of our grown up need to read? I found it funny that those of us that attended all commented on how we already had a stack, or box, or closet, full of books to read, as we were grabbing more. The book choices were quite varied, and I must say, although I haven't opened it yet, mine will likely be interesting :) Then, of course, there was the Kindle discussion, and the various free classics that are available for it. Yes, that was a great conversation, too. I'm thinking that this was really a teacher social hour masked as a book swap, which is fine by me.
So, as the end of the day approaches, I am off to bed, book in hand. I'm exhausted and my eyes can barely see straight, but I have just got to get that book time in.
So, as the end of the day approaches, I am off to bed, book in hand. I'm exhausted and my eyes can barely see straight, but I have just got to get that book time in.
Monday, August 22, 2011
New Year's Resolutions
Does making resolutions at the beginning of the new school year count as New Year's Resolutions? Sure it does. So, here goes:
In work:
Stay on top of lesson planning!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And make sure to get it in the computer ahead of time
Make better use of the technology available to me
Put more effort into creating positive relationships with parents
Remember that kids have bad days, too. My bad day is not their problem, but their bad day IS my problem.
In the rest of my life:
Sleep more!
Read a good book a month
Keep a cleaner house (I just feel better when my house sparkles)
Find new and interesting ways to occupy my time
Get to know at least one new person, or someone I already know, get to know them better
Read my seminary books (at least the good ones). I miss them.
Stick to my new life philosphy - NYP, which stands for Not My Problem (really, it stands for Not Your Problem, as if someone is saying it to me, but I like it better than NMP). This will be the toughie for me, but I am determined to make it happen. If it isn't my problem, I'm not going to worry about it. Really, I won't :)
I think that's about all the stuff I can handle for now. The 2011-2012 school year starts in 7.5 hours. Time to get some rest so I can be ready for the first day of school!
In work:
Stay on top of lesson planning!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And make sure to get it in the computer ahead of time
Make better use of the technology available to me
Put more effort into creating positive relationships with parents
Remember that kids have bad days, too. My bad day is not their problem, but their bad day IS my problem.
In the rest of my life:
Sleep more!
Read a good book a month
Keep a cleaner house (I just feel better when my house sparkles)
Find new and interesting ways to occupy my time
Get to know at least one new person, or someone I already know, get to know them better
Read my seminary books (at least the good ones). I miss them.
Stick to my new life philosphy - NYP, which stands for Not My Problem (really, it stands for Not Your Problem, as if someone is saying it to me, but I like it better than NMP). This will be the toughie for me, but I am determined to make it happen. If it isn't my problem, I'm not going to worry about it. Really, I won't :)
I think that's about all the stuff I can handle for now. The 2011-2012 school year starts in 7.5 hours. Time to get some rest so I can be ready for the first day of school!
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Living within our means
I'm sure you've all heard it: you must learn to live within your means. If you're a Dave Ramsey follower, you have heard it over, and over, and over, and over...and over... It may even sound kind of cliche, but I really do think it's true, but not only with money.
So, what does it mean to live within our means?
Financially, it means spending and saving in a way that is within our financial ability to pay it back. We're not charging up credit cards or accruing other debt in order to have "stuff". Dave Ramsey would go so far as to say a car loan is living outside your means, but I will not go into debating all his ideas here.
But, what about living within the means of our time? How many of us are stretched so thin that we feel like we are going to snap at any moment? How many of us have so many commitments that we are not able to do any of them, and other things, like personal relationships suffer? I really like the rule in our house, "people first, things second." (of course I like it, that's why I started it :) I really try to use this idea to help guide the decisions we make about our priorities. Things like school, sports, activities, church, friends, going out with friends, serving on committees, extra jobs, and all kinds of other things take our time. The time that is limited, since we are not superhuman. And when these things pile up too much, it wears us out and often puts the "people second."
How about living within our emotional means? Does that even exist, and what does it look like? To me, it means learning to soak up as much good stuff as I can, and let the rest go. It means taking a step back from things that may end up with me feeling overly stressed, underappreciated, or even just depressed. This may be the place where I struggle the most. It is difficult to say no to those negative people and things in our lives; in fact it may be impossible to get rid of them, especially if it is family or co-workers. If I'm not careful, I can easily get sucked into people's problems and situations that are not mine to worry about, but drain me emotionally.
So, getting rid of the people may not always be a solution. What we can do, however, is learn to discern what is worth our emotional commitment and what is not. Without a doubt, this is easier said than done. I wish I had a clear cut suggestion on how to accomplish this task, but I don't. If I did, I'd likely be rich and famous.
The point of this post: let's all make a pact to try to live within our means, with our finances, time, and emotional ability. It's not always easy, but the effort we put into it will pay us back far more than we often think.
So, what does it mean to live within our means?
Financially, it means spending and saving in a way that is within our financial ability to pay it back. We're not charging up credit cards or accruing other debt in order to have "stuff". Dave Ramsey would go so far as to say a car loan is living outside your means, but I will not go into debating all his ideas here.
But, what about living within the means of our time? How many of us are stretched so thin that we feel like we are going to snap at any moment? How many of us have so many commitments that we are not able to do any of them, and other things, like personal relationships suffer? I really like the rule in our house, "people first, things second." (of course I like it, that's why I started it :) I really try to use this idea to help guide the decisions we make about our priorities. Things like school, sports, activities, church, friends, going out with friends, serving on committees, extra jobs, and all kinds of other things take our time. The time that is limited, since we are not superhuman. And when these things pile up too much, it wears us out and often puts the "people second."
How about living within our emotional means? Does that even exist, and what does it look like? To me, it means learning to soak up as much good stuff as I can, and let the rest go. It means taking a step back from things that may end up with me feeling overly stressed, underappreciated, or even just depressed. This may be the place where I struggle the most. It is difficult to say no to those negative people and things in our lives; in fact it may be impossible to get rid of them, especially if it is family or co-workers. If I'm not careful, I can easily get sucked into people's problems and situations that are not mine to worry about, but drain me emotionally.
So, getting rid of the people may not always be a solution. What we can do, however, is learn to discern what is worth our emotional commitment and what is not. Without a doubt, this is easier said than done. I wish I had a clear cut suggestion on how to accomplish this task, but I don't. If I did, I'd likely be rich and famous.
The point of this post: let's all make a pact to try to live within our means, with our finances, time, and emotional ability. It's not always easy, but the effort we put into it will pay us back far more than we often think.
Monday, August 15, 2011
A thing called Grace
I must say that this weekend was one of the most emotionally draining stretches of time I have had in a long time. I'm not sure entirely what prompted it, but in the end, it was all about the fact that I had lost just about everything that meant anything to me in the last months, weeks, and days. And, in my mind, I was about to lose a friendship that was also important. In all my desire to be in control, I decided to end this friendship on my own terms, as in NOW! Luckily, after a good conversation with my soon-to-be-ex-friend, I was talked out of that decision, and all seems well on that front now.; It's funny to see how we act when we are scared, hurt, or at our most vulnerable.
When I am scared, hurt, or vulnerable, I tend to act 1 of 3 ways: either I withdraw into my own little corner of the world and don't let anybody in, lest they know something is wrong, or, in my desire to be in control of a situation I can't be, I attempt to find ways to do so, usually failing miserably. Finally, and most regretfully, I am also known to lash out at those around me. Why? Well, because I can, I guess. I'm sorry, I have no better reason other than I'm worn down and don't feel like being nice to people.
I think this time around, I did a little of each: I tried to control the situation by ending the friendship on my terms, I did a little yelling about things that were not really worthy of yelling, and I did a lot of withdrawing. Luckily, my friends know me well enough to know I'm hiding in my own little corner and then draw me back out of it.
Now for my mini-sermon (or lecture, if you prefer):
This situation reminded me how important it is to not judge one's behavior, but to be there to support them with love in whatever way they need. Clearly, there are things I have done in my life that I'm not so proud of, but having friends who love me anyway is an amazing way to bring myself back out of those messes I made for myself. We all have moments when what we need may seem silly to others; still it is critical that we reach out to whatever that need is. Even to those people or behaviors we don't really care for.
This, my friends, is called grace. It is similar to the grace that is given to us in God's eyes, despite our imperfections. It is forgiving the unforgiveable, and allowing people second, and third, and who knows how many chances. It's understanding that that guy that just yelled at you for taking too long at the gas station might be having a bad day, or even moment. It's considering that the co-worker who has been nasty to you all week might be having a bad week, month, or even year. It is truly understanding and appreciating that someone else might have a problem bigger than mine.
I am truly thankful for the grace that was granted me this weekend from my friend whom I tried to ditch, from my other friends who listened to me cry about it for days, and especially for the grace given to me from God for all the things I do to mess up. A free gift for me from God; I didn't earn it, I can't lose it. It's free for the taking for all would like it (even you!).
When I am scared, hurt, or vulnerable, I tend to act 1 of 3 ways: either I withdraw into my own little corner of the world and don't let anybody in, lest they know something is wrong, or, in my desire to be in control of a situation I can't be, I attempt to find ways to do so, usually failing miserably. Finally, and most regretfully, I am also known to lash out at those around me. Why? Well, because I can, I guess. I'm sorry, I have no better reason other than I'm worn down and don't feel like being nice to people.
I think this time around, I did a little of each: I tried to control the situation by ending the friendship on my terms, I did a little yelling about things that were not really worthy of yelling, and I did a lot of withdrawing. Luckily, my friends know me well enough to know I'm hiding in my own little corner and then draw me back out of it.
Now for my mini-sermon (or lecture, if you prefer):
This situation reminded me how important it is to not judge one's behavior, but to be there to support them with love in whatever way they need. Clearly, there are things I have done in my life that I'm not so proud of, but having friends who love me anyway is an amazing way to bring myself back out of those messes I made for myself. We all have moments when what we need may seem silly to others; still it is critical that we reach out to whatever that need is. Even to those people or behaviors we don't really care for.
This, my friends, is called grace. It is similar to the grace that is given to us in God's eyes, despite our imperfections. It is forgiving the unforgiveable, and allowing people second, and third, and who knows how many chances. It's understanding that that guy that just yelled at you for taking too long at the gas station might be having a bad day, or even moment. It's considering that the co-worker who has been nasty to you all week might be having a bad week, month, or even year. It is truly understanding and appreciating that someone else might have a problem bigger than mine.
I am truly thankful for the grace that was granted me this weekend from my friend whom I tried to ditch, from my other friends who listened to me cry about it for days, and especially for the grace given to me from God for all the things I do to mess up. A free gift for me from God; I didn't earn it, I can't lose it. It's free for the taking for all would like it (even you!).
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Relearning
It's come to my attention that it's time to retrain myself to not behave in some of the ways I used to behave, out of necessity, when I was married. I feel sorry for my male friends because I do these things to them on a regular basis. They have been given permission to put me back in my place when needed (kindly, please). For example, in no particular order:
1. Not all men are irresponsible, needing constant supervision and reminders of what to do and when. Men are, for the most part, adult and capable of keeping track of themselves. And, if they're not, that is NOT MY PROBLEM!!!!!!!! I'm making a conscious effort to remind once and then bite my tongue. Luckily, then men that have to deal with me doing this are kind enough to be proactive and not put me in a position of having to do so - so far.
2. Doing everything myself is not in anybody's best interest. Again, it kills me to see something that needs to be done, that I know how to do, and not do it. Again, NOT MY PROBLEM. Although, you know, I see plenty of things in my home that need to be done and that are my problem, but I have no desire to do those things. Go figure.
3. It's not fair to not trust a man simply because he's a man. Give the guy a chance, for heaven's sake!
I know there's more, but those are the biggies. And I can't change everything at once, so I will focus on those 3. It won't be easy, retraining 14 years of learning (almost half my life) will take some time, I suppose. But it will give me something to work on for awhile, like perhaps the rest of my life.
1. Not all men are irresponsible, needing constant supervision and reminders of what to do and when. Men are, for the most part, adult and capable of keeping track of themselves. And, if they're not, that is NOT MY PROBLEM!!!!!!!! I'm making a conscious effort to remind once and then bite my tongue. Luckily, then men that have to deal with me doing this are kind enough to be proactive and not put me in a position of having to do so - so far.
2. Doing everything myself is not in anybody's best interest. Again, it kills me to see something that needs to be done, that I know how to do, and not do it. Again, NOT MY PROBLEM. Although, you know, I see plenty of things in my home that need to be done and that are my problem, but I have no desire to do those things. Go figure.
3. It's not fair to not trust a man simply because he's a man. Give the guy a chance, for heaven's sake!
I know there's more, but those are the biggies. And I can't change everything at once, so I will focus on those 3. It won't be easy, retraining 14 years of learning (almost half my life) will take some time, I suppose. But it will give me something to work on for awhile, like perhaps the rest of my life.
Everything happens for a reason...
So, this week I have been reflecting on how life takes us on the most interesting and unexpected journeys. A friend of mine told me once, "If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans." Isn't that the truth. I had my life planned out since I was very young. I knew what I wanted my life to be, and how it was going to be right up until the day I died. Other than being a teacher and mother, I think the rest of it has not happened (and many other wonderful things have).
For instance, I was going to graduate college, get married, have my first child when I was 23, stay home with her/him for a very long time, add in another kid, or two, and stay happily married forever after. None of that happened (but I did get to stay home for 8 years, for which I must thank my ex-husband for supporting us financially for all those years).
Another example, while I did fulfill my dream to be a teacher, middle school math intervention in a Title I school is a far cry from pre-k teacher that I had planned. Very different, but I love it, still.
Then there's the divorce. That certainly wasn't on my bucket list. But, still, it's okay.
The list goes on and on and on...
So, now the question: Is it really that unusual to not have any regrets? When I was going to counseling, she told me I wasn't in touch with my emotions because I couldn't regret anything. Is it that strange to be at peace with the way my life has worked out? Of course, there are things I wish I had done differently, but I do not feel a sense of regret over it, just wishing I had known then what I know now. Everything happens for a reason, even if we don't know what it is.
Example time again: When Skylar was 3, we moved from our home in Vermont to an area in upstate NY to be closer to my family (that and my husband lost his job and was offered to relocate instead). It was an awful experience. So awful, in fact, that I actually went to live with my in-laws while my husband stayed behind to work, only coming to visit me, our 3 year old daughter, and newborn son every weekend, or every other weekend.
Crazy, right? Well, we loved it so much there that my husband found a job there so that we could stay. We lived with my in-laws for an entire year. Skylar was so happy to have her grandparents around, they were thrilled to have both kids around to help take care of, and as it turned out, Alex was a very high need baby, and their amazing help is probably what kept us all alive during that first year. Even though my in-laws were going through an otherwise awful time in their lives, they were so happy to have us with them, that it made up for all of it. My father-in-law told me he was happier than he had been in such a long time, and that he was sorry our last living arrangement didn't work out, but was glad it happened so we'd end up with them instead.
My father-in-law passed away after we had lived with them for a year, unexpectedly. He died the happiest man alive. In addition, my mother-in-law was not alone to deal with this all by herself. She was surrounded by her family, and most importantly, her grandchildren, who kept her going on the really rough days.
I truly believe that God's hand was in all of that, despite the fact that we didn't see it at the time. I try, to the best of my ability, when life comes at me from a dozen directions at mach speed, to remember this. Sometimes I forget, and that's when I get into my life is horrible crying fits (I usually only cry when I'm overtired, physically or mentally). Luckily, I have great friends to listen to me without telling me I'm crazy for doing so.
I guess the point to this post is to remind all of us that sometimes we need to just take life as it comes at us, don't fret over why it is, and just wait patiently for finding out what it all means.
For instance, I was going to graduate college, get married, have my first child when I was 23, stay home with her/him for a very long time, add in another kid, or two, and stay happily married forever after. None of that happened (but I did get to stay home for 8 years, for which I must thank my ex-husband for supporting us financially for all those years).
Another example, while I did fulfill my dream to be a teacher, middle school math intervention in a Title I school is a far cry from pre-k teacher that I had planned. Very different, but I love it, still.
Then there's the divorce. That certainly wasn't on my bucket list. But, still, it's okay.
The list goes on and on and on...
So, now the question: Is it really that unusual to not have any regrets? When I was going to counseling, she told me I wasn't in touch with my emotions because I couldn't regret anything. Is it that strange to be at peace with the way my life has worked out? Of course, there are things I wish I had done differently, but I do not feel a sense of regret over it, just wishing I had known then what I know now. Everything happens for a reason, even if we don't know what it is.
Example time again: When Skylar was 3, we moved from our home in Vermont to an area in upstate NY to be closer to my family (that and my husband lost his job and was offered to relocate instead). It was an awful experience. So awful, in fact, that I actually went to live with my in-laws while my husband stayed behind to work, only coming to visit me, our 3 year old daughter, and newborn son every weekend, or every other weekend.
Crazy, right? Well, we loved it so much there that my husband found a job there so that we could stay. We lived with my in-laws for an entire year. Skylar was so happy to have her grandparents around, they were thrilled to have both kids around to help take care of, and as it turned out, Alex was a very high need baby, and their amazing help is probably what kept us all alive during that first year. Even though my in-laws were going through an otherwise awful time in their lives, they were so happy to have us with them, that it made up for all of it. My father-in-law told me he was happier than he had been in such a long time, and that he was sorry our last living arrangement didn't work out, but was glad it happened so we'd end up with them instead.
My father-in-law passed away after we had lived with them for a year, unexpectedly. He died the happiest man alive. In addition, my mother-in-law was not alone to deal with this all by herself. She was surrounded by her family, and most importantly, her grandchildren, who kept her going on the really rough days.
I truly believe that God's hand was in all of that, despite the fact that we didn't see it at the time. I try, to the best of my ability, when life comes at me from a dozen directions at mach speed, to remember this. Sometimes I forget, and that's when I get into my life is horrible crying fits (I usually only cry when I'm overtired, physically or mentally). Luckily, I have great friends to listen to me without telling me I'm crazy for doing so.
I guess the point to this post is to remind all of us that sometimes we need to just take life as it comes at us, don't fret over why it is, and just wait patiently for finding out what it all means.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Sometimes it's the little things
I am proud to report that I am feeling much better than 2 days ago, or yesterday, or even this morning. I feel like I've accomplished so much, but when you look at the list all of these things are really so little.
I managed to register for my final class. I considered taking this session off, but decided if I did, I would likely never go back. Plus, I've been doing this for 16 months, I can't quit now! The reason this is such a major accomplishment, however, is that the college made me change my password, which I then could not remember. I tried to reset it online and couldn't for some unknown reason. So, I finally just bit the bullet and call the helpdesk, and 10 minutes later, I was registered.
I likely found a new home for our doggies. It's very sad because we love them so much. There's just something about those little faces when I'm having a bad day that can turn it all around. But, I know we don't have the time to give them everything they deserve, so we'll let someone else give them the care I wish we could. The reason I feel good about it is I have considered it for a long time, but always decided to keep them. Now, there's no more wondering. And after tomorrow, I won't have to deal with that, either.
I got to go have some real live grown up time this evening. It wasn't anything too exciting, believe me, but just being near a real grown up about grown up stuff can make a huge difference.
My mom started talking to me again. She wasn't too happy with me for a few days.
My current class will be over in 3 days. My final paper is underway and should be finished tomorrow. Then, as soon as I hit submit, I'm done for an entire week! YAY!
So, see, it was all little stuff, but all piled up, it gets pretty big. Tomorrow I have a few things I want to get done, but it won't be a super busy (but I will get more grown up time with another friend :).
Oh, and I found my stash of mechanical pencils - that really was the icing on the cake :)
I managed to register for my final class. I considered taking this session off, but decided if I did, I would likely never go back. Plus, I've been doing this for 16 months, I can't quit now! The reason this is such a major accomplishment, however, is that the college made me change my password, which I then could not remember. I tried to reset it online and couldn't for some unknown reason. So, I finally just bit the bullet and call the helpdesk, and 10 minutes later, I was registered.
I likely found a new home for our doggies. It's very sad because we love them so much. There's just something about those little faces when I'm having a bad day that can turn it all around. But, I know we don't have the time to give them everything they deserve, so we'll let someone else give them the care I wish we could. The reason I feel good about it is I have considered it for a long time, but always decided to keep them. Now, there's no more wondering. And after tomorrow, I won't have to deal with that, either.
I got to go have some real live grown up time this evening. It wasn't anything too exciting, believe me, but just being near a real grown up about grown up stuff can make a huge difference.
My mom started talking to me again. She wasn't too happy with me for a few days.
My current class will be over in 3 days. My final paper is underway and should be finished tomorrow. Then, as soon as I hit submit, I'm done for an entire week! YAY!
So, see, it was all little stuff, but all piled up, it gets pretty big. Tomorrow I have a few things I want to get done, but it won't be a super busy (but I will get more grown up time with another friend :).
Oh, and I found my stash of mechanical pencils - that really was the icing on the cake :)
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Pity Party Post
I'll apologize because this is just one big pity party. I'm not necessarily having a bad day, in fact many good things have happened, but I'm just kinda blah, and having a couple of those cry at the drop of a hat moments. Okay, here goes:
I'm tired and worn out. This stupid class is killing me, and making it so I can't spend the time I want to spend on other stuff.
I went to visit X's mom today, and while she is always kind to me, it was just one of those, "wow" moments where I realized what was really happening.
Alex and Skylar have been as tired and grouchy as I have been, which always makes for an interesting mix.
I'm trying to re-home my dogs, which makes me sad to see them go, and frustrated that I haven't found anyone yet.; I keep getting flagged on craigslist because I'm asking $200 for both (but would negotiate a lot if I knew they were going to a great home), but let's think about this fee. That's $100 for each. You pay $75 at the animal shelter for a dog that you know just about nothing about. They have been living in cement cages for who knows how long, which is a very stressful environment. Mine are fully vetted, up to date on shots, fixed, microchipped, regularly groomed, and very loved. For the extra $25 I am asking for each, the new owner will get a $50 cage, 2 bags of high end dog food, heartworm medication, flea medication, water/food bowls, multiple leashes, tons of toys, bedding, clothing for Ruby, and whatever else is theirs. I still think that's a bargain, so stupid craigslist people. But, like I said, if you know anyone that's interested, PLEASE send them my way. They're wonderful little guys, but I just don't have time.
And then comes the cry for no reason spells. Honestly, I think the tiredness is behind this, since when I'm tired I don't function well. Also, the reality of having to do EVERYTHING hit again, meaning if I'm tired and want to go to bed, I can't really because the kids will have no parent, no one will take care of the dogs, dishes won't get cleaned, etc. etc.
And my washer isnt working. And I need to replace lightbulbs in my light fixtures that are on the ceiling in our 2 story foyer and 2 story porch (how does one do that anyway?). And my bathroom needs to finish getting painted. I have to sort through a boatload of stuff that was just piled on my air hockey table when X left, but at least he didn't leave it on the floor.
And I can't run a mile at the Y, yet, which is really ticking me off.
I think that's it for now. I think I'm going to go to bed now, and hope it's all better in the morning.
I'm tired and worn out. This stupid class is killing me, and making it so I can't spend the time I want to spend on other stuff.
I went to visit X's mom today, and while she is always kind to me, it was just one of those, "wow" moments where I realized what was really happening.
Alex and Skylar have been as tired and grouchy as I have been, which always makes for an interesting mix.
I'm trying to re-home my dogs, which makes me sad to see them go, and frustrated that I haven't found anyone yet.; I keep getting flagged on craigslist because I'm asking $200 for both (but would negotiate a lot if I knew they were going to a great home), but let's think about this fee. That's $100 for each. You pay $75 at the animal shelter for a dog that you know just about nothing about. They have been living in cement cages for who knows how long, which is a very stressful environment. Mine are fully vetted, up to date on shots, fixed, microchipped, regularly groomed, and very loved. For the extra $25 I am asking for each, the new owner will get a $50 cage, 2 bags of high end dog food, heartworm medication, flea medication, water/food bowls, multiple leashes, tons of toys, bedding, clothing for Ruby, and whatever else is theirs. I still think that's a bargain, so stupid craigslist people. But, like I said, if you know anyone that's interested, PLEASE send them my way. They're wonderful little guys, but I just don't have time.
And then comes the cry for no reason spells. Honestly, I think the tiredness is behind this, since when I'm tired I don't function well. Also, the reality of having to do EVERYTHING hit again, meaning if I'm tired and want to go to bed, I can't really because the kids will have no parent, no one will take care of the dogs, dishes won't get cleaned, etc. etc.
And my washer isnt working. And I need to replace lightbulbs in my light fixtures that are on the ceiling in our 2 story foyer and 2 story porch (how does one do that anyway?). And my bathroom needs to finish getting painted. I have to sort through a boatload of stuff that was just piled on my air hockey table when X left, but at least he didn't leave it on the floor.
And I can't run a mile at the Y, yet, which is really ticking me off.
I think that's it for now. I think I'm going to go to bed now, and hope it's all better in the morning.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Goals
Time to make a list of goals I'd like to reach at some point, some now, some later, some before I die.
Short term
Finish my last master's class to be the proud new owner of a M.Ed.
Find a new home for my dogs :(
Figure out a schedule for when we go back to school
Get some paperwork sorted out
Long term
Get my finances in order - again!
Decide whether to keep this house and rent a room out or to move and relocate the kids next year
Lose about 16-20 pounds
Find a place to join a handbell choir - I miss that about my last home
Before I die
Learn to knit
Visit every state in the country (I'm about a third of the way there)
Learn another language
Travel abroad
Work my way through several college math classes
Become a mental health chaplain, or hospice chaplain, or hospital chaplain, or minister of some sort
I think that's enough to keep me busy, for now.
Short term
Finish my last master's class to be the proud new owner of a M.Ed.
Find a new home for my dogs :(
Figure out a schedule for when we go back to school
Get some paperwork sorted out
Long term
Get my finances in order - again!
Decide whether to keep this house and rent a room out or to move and relocate the kids next year
Lose about 16-20 pounds
Find a place to join a handbell choir - I miss that about my last home
Before I die
Learn to knit
Visit every state in the country (I'm about a third of the way there)
Learn another language
Travel abroad
Work my way through several college math classes
Become a mental health chaplain, or hospice chaplain, or hospital chaplain, or minister of some sort
I think that's enough to keep me busy, for now.
Monday, August 1, 2011
It's All Just Black and White...and Many Shades of Gray
It's a given that, as a parent, it is my job to teach and demonstrate doing the right thing. We don't steal, we share our toys, we tell the truth, and we always use our good manners. But, is there ever a time when doing the wrong thing is the right thing to do, or doing the right thing is the wrong thing to do? This was the question I was asked by my insightful 7-year-old today when we were talking about honesty and little white lies. The things that kids think of amazes me, and this one made me think.
I know what my answer is but articulating it just isn't happening. So, in short, yes, I do think there are times when it is better to do the wrong thing. It's a matter of judgment, knowing what's in your heart, and listening to God and what direction you should take in different situations. I think the bigger picture here is that the idea of right and wrong is not as concrete as it sounds. It's not just black and white, but many, many shades of gray.
I know what my answer is but articulating it just isn't happening. So, in short, yes, I do think there are times when it is better to do the wrong thing. It's a matter of judgment, knowing what's in your heart, and listening to God and what direction you should take in different situations. I think the bigger picture here is that the idea of right and wrong is not as concrete as it sounds. It's not just black and white, but many, many shades of gray.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Why MY kids are the best kids :)
It's 1 am on one of those really long nights that never seems to end, so there are so many things I could talk about in great length. Instead, I am just going to tell this quick story, so you all can see what great kids I have, and what a lucky mom I am:
I haven't given the kids their allowances in probably 3 months. Skylar has realized she simply isn't getting it, so I don't hear much from her about it, but Alex is more vocal so that is ALL I hear about from him. I feel badly because Skylar is very responsible with her money, and has planned out what to do with her money from now until the day she graduates high school, perhaps longer. Me not paying her messes up her plans (and her plans aren't stupid, I'm gonna buy this and that plans, she does real stuff with her money). Alex is 7 so he is all about what he is going to buy, so I usually just ignore him.
Well, today, I had $20 extra in my pocket, and I decided since it was already 2 $10s that I would give them each $10 as allowance, even though it is nowhere near what they usually get (especially Skylar, since she's older). I will admit, I was dreading their responses when I handed them their measly allowances, when they hadn't been paid in months.
I handed it to Skylar and said, "Here's what I can afford to give you for allowance." She looked up, her eyes brightened, and she said, "Thanks mom, $10! That's great! Thank you!" You'd have thought she'd just hit the lottery. Then I heard her say to herself, but so that I could hear her, "This is great, $10, I'm going to just save it here for sometime when I need it. Wow, 10 dollars..."
That made me feel great, but I also knew I had to go deal with Alex and his typical ungrateful attitude when it comes to him getting. So, I went in all prepared for the fight that would go along with handing him only $10 when he clearly was owed more (he has also been saving for awhile for a special magic wand he wants, and he can't get it because I can't pay up). So, I said the same as I did with Skylar. He looked at it and said, "How much? Oh 10 dollars?" I saw the look on his face, and got all ready to tell him without yelling that he was an unappreciative brat. Then he stopped, looked up at me and said, "This is so nice, thanks, mom." and he tucked it away in his wallet, without another word said.
This is why I have the best kids.
I haven't given the kids their allowances in probably 3 months. Skylar has realized she simply isn't getting it, so I don't hear much from her about it, but Alex is more vocal so that is ALL I hear about from him. I feel badly because Skylar is very responsible with her money, and has planned out what to do with her money from now until the day she graduates high school, perhaps longer. Me not paying her messes up her plans (and her plans aren't stupid, I'm gonna buy this and that plans, she does real stuff with her money). Alex is 7 so he is all about what he is going to buy, so I usually just ignore him.
Well, today, I had $20 extra in my pocket, and I decided since it was already 2 $10s that I would give them each $10 as allowance, even though it is nowhere near what they usually get (especially Skylar, since she's older). I will admit, I was dreading their responses when I handed them their measly allowances, when they hadn't been paid in months.
I handed it to Skylar and said, "Here's what I can afford to give you for allowance." She looked up, her eyes brightened, and she said, "Thanks mom, $10! That's great! Thank you!" You'd have thought she'd just hit the lottery. Then I heard her say to herself, but so that I could hear her, "This is great, $10, I'm going to just save it here for sometime when I need it. Wow, 10 dollars..."
That made me feel great, but I also knew I had to go deal with Alex and his typical ungrateful attitude when it comes to him getting. So, I went in all prepared for the fight that would go along with handing him only $10 when he clearly was owed more (he has also been saving for awhile for a special magic wand he wants, and he can't get it because I can't pay up). So, I said the same as I did with Skylar. He looked at it and said, "How much? Oh 10 dollars?" I saw the look on his face, and got all ready to tell him without yelling that he was an unappreciative brat. Then he stopped, looked up at me and said, "This is so nice, thanks, mom." and he tucked it away in his wallet, without another word said.
This is why I have the best kids.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Life is a Mystery
It occurred to me today that life is a mystery. No, it's not a new understanding for me, it just seems like an appropriate topic for today. I am finding myself in a situation that is strange to me, and appears even stranger to many others looking in on it.
I got word yesterday that my X's company could be in trouble. This is not good news. Why do I care what happens to his job, when I can barely make ends meet myself? That is exactly why I care. If he can't bring in enough money to give us the support that we need, we can't make it here. And, if he needs to relocate, I will have to go with him so that the kids can be near their dad. How whacked out is that?! Moving to be near my X? Never heard of such a thing. Then again, like I just said, life is a mystery.
In other news, I'm going out with the girls tonight for the first time in a very long time (think last century). I'm already exhausted and I haven't even hit the dance floor yet. Tomorrow I'm sure you'll get the update on how it goes, if I make it through the night without falling asleep, and how many ways I manage to make a fool of myself. Luckily, I am the only non-drinker in the group, so if I'm very lucky, maybe I'll be the only one who remembers it :)
I got word yesterday that my X's company could be in trouble. This is not good news. Why do I care what happens to his job, when I can barely make ends meet myself? That is exactly why I care. If he can't bring in enough money to give us the support that we need, we can't make it here. And, if he needs to relocate, I will have to go with him so that the kids can be near their dad. How whacked out is that?! Moving to be near my X? Never heard of such a thing. Then again, like I just said, life is a mystery.
In other news, I'm going out with the girls tonight for the first time in a very long time (think last century). I'm already exhausted and I haven't even hit the dance floor yet. Tomorrow I'm sure you'll get the update on how it goes, if I make it through the night without falling asleep, and how many ways I manage to make a fool of myself. Luckily, I am the only non-drinker in the group, so if I'm very lucky, maybe I'll be the only one who remembers it :)
Friday, July 29, 2011
Noah's Ark in Real Life!
About a year ago, we brought home 2 adorable little puppies, who we named Yankee and Ruby. We also had 2 birds, 2 guinea pigs, 2 kids, and 2 adults, and some multiple of 2 fish. We joked we were turning into Noah's ark. Well, we re-homed the birds, some fish died, a guinea pig died, and the other one just went to live with the kids at Daddy's house so he wouldn't be lonely (I was proud of myself for that one). So we were down to just 2 kids, me and 2 dogs. Oh, and 1 fish is left.
Today I got the bright idea that we should adopt a cat. But, I'm concerned about allergies, so I was thinking fostering would be a great idea. Plus, foster animals are free, including their food and vet care. Of course, they have to be adopted out eventually, or we can keep them, but still, this is the best for us. So, guess what, I am the proud new foster mama of two of the most adorable 3 month old siamese kittens, who I named White Out because he looks like he spilled white out on his nose, and Shy Guy, because he is just that.
They are absolutely adorable, but must be kept away from the dogs due to them being fosters. It's okay because in a 3000 square foot house, surely there is room for a set of twin dogs and a set of twin cats, right?
And I just keep thinking, "Who built the ark? Noah, Noah! Who built the ark? Brother Noah built the ark!"
Today I got the bright idea that we should adopt a cat. But, I'm concerned about allergies, so I was thinking fostering would be a great idea. Plus, foster animals are free, including their food and vet care. Of course, they have to be adopted out eventually, or we can keep them, but still, this is the best for us. So, guess what, I am the proud new foster mama of two of the most adorable 3 month old siamese kittens, who I named White Out because he looks like he spilled white out on his nose, and Shy Guy, because he is just that.
They are absolutely adorable, but must be kept away from the dogs due to them being fosters. It's okay because in a 3000 square foot house, surely there is room for a set of twin dogs and a set of twin cats, right?
And I just keep thinking, "Who built the ark? Noah, Noah! Who built the ark? Brother Noah built the ark!"
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Come Here Often?
I've been officially divorced for 1 month today, but it seems like forever ago. And, while I have my moments of missing the X (like at a stop light today when some random thought popped into my head), I am ready to start dating. Before anyone goes all postal on me, let me explain a few things:
1. I have been alone much longer than the time it took to make this divorce happen. I has been months, if not a year or more since I have had an emotional connection of any kind with someone of the opposite sex. And let's face it, as much as I love my girl friends, well, it's just not the same.
2. I am not looking to find a new lifelong partner right now; just to go out and have some fun with a man. See number 1 above, and I will continue it by saying it's has also been that long since I went on a real date with someone of the opposite sex. The X and I dropping the kids at Gramma's then wandering around wondering what to do and where to go just doesn't count as a date.
3. I also am not looking for someone to jump into bed with. Let's just not go there, there's just too much with that one. But, still, I figured I should at least point it out.
Now here's the problem, and it's my own little secret about to be revealed: I have NEVER been on a real date with someone I am not in a relationship with. Crazy, isn't it? I met X when I was 17, and we all know how 17-year-olds hook up. Hook up is the best way to describe it, because it's not like all of a sudden someone comes up to you and says, "Would you go out with me," Or whatever people say when they ask someone on a date. They just kinda start hanging out together, and then one thing leads to another, and then suddenly, they're an item. So, it has been 17 years since I was on the dating scene that I was never really on to begin with.
So, my problem is, even if I were brave enough to ask (I'm not), how does one go about doing it? I could try the ole, "Come here often?" but, umm...even I know that's not it. I could even try any of the other cliche pick up lines, but all of them would require me to know where to find single men.
That leads me to the next problem - where do I look for single men? I have plenty of single male friends, but friend is the key word there. And most of the other single men I know still think I'm married, so just think of that asking out line! "Umm, so, I know I used to be married, but great news! I'm not! So, wanna get some dinner some time?" I don't think that'll be in my best interest.
I think I need to go on a practice date. I just need an opportunity to get out there, try it out, and learn a few things before taking the plunge. Any takers?
1. I have been alone much longer than the time it took to make this divorce happen. I has been months, if not a year or more since I have had an emotional connection of any kind with someone of the opposite sex. And let's face it, as much as I love my girl friends, well, it's just not the same.
2. I am not looking to find a new lifelong partner right now; just to go out and have some fun with a man. See number 1 above, and I will continue it by saying it's has also been that long since I went on a real date with someone of the opposite sex. The X and I dropping the kids at Gramma's then wandering around wondering what to do and where to go just doesn't count as a date.
3. I also am not looking for someone to jump into bed with. Let's just not go there, there's just too much with that one. But, still, I figured I should at least point it out.
Now here's the problem, and it's my own little secret about to be revealed: I have NEVER been on a real date with someone I am not in a relationship with. Crazy, isn't it? I met X when I was 17, and we all know how 17-year-olds hook up. Hook up is the best way to describe it, because it's not like all of a sudden someone comes up to you and says, "Would you go out with me," Or whatever people say when they ask someone on a date. They just kinda start hanging out together, and then one thing leads to another, and then suddenly, they're an item. So, it has been 17 years since I was on the dating scene that I was never really on to begin with.
So, my problem is, even if I were brave enough to ask (I'm not), how does one go about doing it? I could try the ole, "Come here often?" but, umm...even I know that's not it. I could even try any of the other cliche pick up lines, but all of them would require me to know where to find single men.
That leads me to the next problem - where do I look for single men? I have plenty of single male friends, but friend is the key word there. And most of the other single men I know still think I'm married, so just think of that asking out line! "Umm, so, I know I used to be married, but great news! I'm not! So, wanna get some dinner some time?" I don't think that'll be in my best interest.
I think I need to go on a practice date. I just need an opportunity to get out there, try it out, and learn a few things before taking the plunge. Any takers?
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Absence DOES Make the Heart Grow Fonder
We went to pick up our dogs today. I was kind of dreading it. I will be honest and say they are royal pains in the ... you know. They're barely housebroken, and still have way too many "accidents," they chew everything in sight, they don't walk well on a leash, basically, they are a nightmare. I will be the first to admit it is our fault for not taking the time to train them properly.
So, off we went for the one hour trip to pick up our little loves at the only lady who would take 2 untrained dogs and didn't care about potty accidents (if anyone is ever looking for someone, let me know and I'll give you her info - she's that awesome!). I was prepared for them to take awhile to remember us, but the second we got to the door, they were so excited, they started acting like, well, excited puppies. They ran all over the place, jumped, whimpered, the only thing they didn't do was pee.
We brought them home and started settling in to life with dogs again. I'll tell you, I'm sitting here, on the couch, with Yankee by my side, and Ruby sitting on her pillow, both chewing away on bones, and I am glad to have them back. I'm going to give this whole training thing one more full effort, including paying for classes, before I begin trying to find new homes for them. We all love them dearly, and would hate to see them go.
So, off we went for the one hour trip to pick up our little loves at the only lady who would take 2 untrained dogs and didn't care about potty accidents (if anyone is ever looking for someone, let me know and I'll give you her info - she's that awesome!). I was prepared for them to take awhile to remember us, but the second we got to the door, they were so excited, they started acting like, well, excited puppies. They ran all over the place, jumped, whimpered, the only thing they didn't do was pee.
We brought them home and started settling in to life with dogs again. I'll tell you, I'm sitting here, on the couch, with Yankee by my side, and Ruby sitting on her pillow, both chewing away on bones, and I am glad to have them back. I'm going to give this whole training thing one more full effort, including paying for classes, before I begin trying to find new homes for them. We all love them dearly, and would hate to see them go.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
My love/hate relationship with Mathematics
Funny title for a Math teacher, isn't? Surely I sit around all day just dreaming about numbers, finding new ways to solve various algorithms, and trying to figure out if pi really does never end. Wrong! Don't get me wrong, math is a highly valuable skill. Being proficient in math can make or break you in many careers today. It is being stressed in schools at higher levels than when I was in high school, and its importance is probably stressed a little too much (let's face it - a straight A 4th grader comes home with a serious migraine the week before state tests is way too much pressure). But let's forget about the teaching of math, and talk about my learning of math.
You see, I was dubbed a math teacher 3 years ago when I started my first real teaching job after graduating college, then staying home with my children for 8 years. I had never taught math. I hadn't even taken a college math class (stats for social sciences is NOT a math class, sorry). I tried repeatedly to convince the powers that be that I am indeed not a math teacher, but I kept hearing, "but you are". I'm still convinced they were desperate and I was the only one willing to do it.
I learned to love my job, and I will say I have finally become pretty decent at what I do. However, I decided that since I have been labeled a math teacher, that label will never go away. There are some types of teaching positions that, once you start it, you will never get out. This list includes middle school, math, ESL, and special education, among others. So, I decided it was time to get my Masters degree in math education. I will be finishing that in about 6 weeks (if this class doesn't kill me). Still, there is really no math involved, just how to teach math.
Anyway, back to my learning of math, and my love/hate relationship with doing so
LOVE
It's challenging
Orderly
Has rules
It's not really open to interpretation
No guessing what the author was thinking
Most of all, I need to keep my brain working at all times or I am just not a happy person
HATE
It's challenging
The rules can be complex
There is no guessing, which means even one tiny mistake will ruin the entire thing
Sometimes it works my brain a little too hard
I will leave you with my famous quote which drives my students and my own children. I made it up in response to getting tired of hearing a chorus of children screaming, "IT'S TOO HARD!!!"
Here it is...
"Floors are hard, but problems may be challenging."
You see, I was dubbed a math teacher 3 years ago when I started my first real teaching job after graduating college, then staying home with my children for 8 years. I had never taught math. I hadn't even taken a college math class (stats for social sciences is NOT a math class, sorry). I tried repeatedly to convince the powers that be that I am indeed not a math teacher, but I kept hearing, "but you are". I'm still convinced they were desperate and I was the only one willing to do it.
I learned to love my job, and I will say I have finally become pretty decent at what I do. However, I decided that since I have been labeled a math teacher, that label will never go away. There are some types of teaching positions that, once you start it, you will never get out. This list includes middle school, math, ESL, and special education, among others. So, I decided it was time to get my Masters degree in math education. I will be finishing that in about 6 weeks (if this class doesn't kill me). Still, there is really no math involved, just how to teach math.
Anyway, back to my learning of math, and my love/hate relationship with doing so
LOVE
It's challenging
Orderly
Has rules
It's not really open to interpretation
No guessing what the author was thinking
Most of all, I need to keep my brain working at all times or I am just not a happy person
HATE
It's challenging
The rules can be complex
There is no guessing, which means even one tiny mistake will ruin the entire thing
Sometimes it works my brain a little too hard
I will leave you with my famous quote which drives my students and my own children. I made it up in response to getting tired of hearing a chorus of children screaming, "IT'S TOO HARD!!!"
Here it is...
"Floors are hard, but problems may be challenging."
And Reality Sets In...
I promised I would not make this a divorce only thread, but tonight it seems fitting, so here goes...
This whole divorce thing seemed so easy, almost surreal, most of the time. I said repeatedly that I knew once I returned from New York to an empty house and the reality that this is my life, it would hit hard. I came back, and it was okay, good even. I saw and heard Alex say to himself as he looked around this morning, "I love this house." That just about made my day for some reason. We unpacked, played, then the kids went to play with Gramma while I went to the YMCA. Life had returned to normal.
Then it was time for the kids to go on their first night with their dad. That didn't bother me either; in fact, I was excited about all I could do on my time off. Until Alex cried. Not for me, of course, but because he had wanted to play with his friend tonight. I had to be the strong one and say, without emotion, "I understand, but today is Tuesday, so you are going to Daddy's." I stood on the porch and waved and blew kisses at that sad little boy face. I know the tears probably ended before the end of the street, but it still broke my Mommy heart.
I think the other part that bothered me was knowing that this is going to be my life forever. Well, at least for the next 11 years. Making my kids leave their home and friends for their time with their Daddy. Which brings me back to my, "Did I do the right thing?" mode. Or the, "Was it really worse than this is?" line of thought. I know the answer is a solid, "Yes," to both, but sometimes my heart gets the best of me and I begin to forget what I know.
I don't drink, so I'm on my way out to drown my sorrows in hot wings. Those of you who really know me understand that I see them as the world's best cureall. They heal you physically, spiritually, and emotionally. Cheaper than doctors or therapist, and they taste good too! I'm thinking of opening a restaurant and making that my slogan :)
This whole divorce thing seemed so easy, almost surreal, most of the time. I said repeatedly that I knew once I returned from New York to an empty house and the reality that this is my life, it would hit hard. I came back, and it was okay, good even. I saw and heard Alex say to himself as he looked around this morning, "I love this house." That just about made my day for some reason. We unpacked, played, then the kids went to play with Gramma while I went to the YMCA. Life had returned to normal.
Then it was time for the kids to go on their first night with their dad. That didn't bother me either; in fact, I was excited about all I could do on my time off. Until Alex cried. Not for me, of course, but because he had wanted to play with his friend tonight. I had to be the strong one and say, without emotion, "I understand, but today is Tuesday, so you are going to Daddy's." I stood on the porch and waved and blew kisses at that sad little boy face. I know the tears probably ended before the end of the street, but it still broke my Mommy heart.
I think the other part that bothered me was knowing that this is going to be my life forever. Well, at least for the next 11 years. Making my kids leave their home and friends for their time with their Daddy. Which brings me back to my, "Did I do the right thing?" mode. Or the, "Was it really worse than this is?" line of thought. I know the answer is a solid, "Yes," to both, but sometimes my heart gets the best of me and I begin to forget what I know.
I don't drink, so I'm on my way out to drown my sorrows in hot wings. Those of you who really know me understand that I see them as the world's best cureall. They heal you physically, spiritually, and emotionally. Cheaper than doctors or therapist, and they taste good too! I'm thinking of opening a restaurant and making that my slogan :)
Monday, July 11, 2011
Things I like about living in Texas
Oh goodness me, did I just admit there are things I like about living in Texas? Here they are in no particular order:
I have an amazing, awesome, rewarding, challenging, and fun job. I enjoy going to work almost every day, and look forward to seeing what my students have in store for me that day.
I have friends who have proven themselves to be amazing, as well. You know who you are.
My kids go to an amazing school, Riojas Elementary. Their teachers worked so hard all year to keep them challenged and happy. Skylar felt loved and cared for every day. She even made perfect attendance, in large part due to the fact that she loved to go see her teacher every day! She had so many opportunities to participate and excel this year. She is looking forward to next year.
Okay, Chris and Krista, the Mexican food IS better. Heck, even the fact that I am able to get Mexican food without driving an hour or more is amazing! Or Indian, couldn't get that anywhere in NY.
I love my church. It is very different from my former church, but different can be good.
I'm sure there's more, but a kid is calling me to play horses.
I have an amazing, awesome, rewarding, challenging, and fun job. I enjoy going to work almost every day, and look forward to seeing what my students have in store for me that day.
I have friends who have proven themselves to be amazing, as well. You know who you are.
My kids go to an amazing school, Riojas Elementary. Their teachers worked so hard all year to keep them challenged and happy. Skylar felt loved and cared for every day. She even made perfect attendance, in large part due to the fact that she loved to go see her teacher every day! She had so many opportunities to participate and excel this year. She is looking forward to next year.
Okay, Chris and Krista, the Mexican food IS better. Heck, even the fact that I am able to get Mexican food without driving an hour or more is amazing! Or Indian, couldn't get that anywhere in NY.
I love my church. It is very different from my former church, but different can be good.
I'm sure there's more, but a kid is calling me to play horses.
Things I love about Sidney NY
First, and foremost:
I realized at 10:10 that I never signed up Alex and Skylar for swimming lessons that start today. I was able to go to the pool, sign Alex up for lessons that start at 11, come home, tell Alex to get dressed for his lessons while I ran to KMart to buy new goggles, go to KMart to get the goggles, get lost looking for them, buy them, and get back home, with 15 minutes to spare! Just can't get that in Pflugerville, TX.
There are likely less than 10 kids in said swim lessons.
I feel completely safe leaving Skylar home alone while I take him to the lessons.
More to come, time to head to swimming lessons...
I realized at 10:10 that I never signed up Alex and Skylar for swimming lessons that start today. I was able to go to the pool, sign Alex up for lessons that start at 11, come home, tell Alex to get dressed for his lessons while I ran to KMart to buy new goggles, go to KMart to get the goggles, get lost looking for them, buy them, and get back home, with 15 minutes to spare! Just can't get that in Pflugerville, TX.
There are likely less than 10 kids in said swim lessons.
I feel completely safe leaving Skylar home alone while I take him to the lessons.
More to come, time to head to swimming lessons...
Sunday, July 10, 2011
There's No Place Like Home
Can you hear the excitement in my voice? I am still coming down from a major high (natural, no worries) from this weekend.
Friday started with getting to make a visit to Denise and John Jacobus (Denise was my 8th grade English teacher) at Ideuma Creek Alpacas. We missed the birth of a cria by only 10 minutes, and the kids got to pet some older cria. The animals were amazing, as was visiting with someone I haven't seen in FOREVER.
Then:
I had the great privilege of going to the place I consider home this weekend. While it is not the town in which I grew up, it is the town in which I grew my children. It was the first place where we settled down, made friends, joined a church, and really settled into a community. I had mixed feeling about this trip. I wasn't sure if I would walk out in tears, glad to have left, joyous, or a combination.
It was fun to see people I hadn't seen in a couple years, to eat at some of our favorite places, and to just look around and reminisce. We even got to go to our favorite water park, Roseland Water Park!
This morning, I went to church, MY church. This is the church that my children grew up in, and the first I had ever joined. Not much had changed, which is a good thing. Sometimes we just need to go back to what we have always known, just for comfort, kwim?
So, the weekend is over, it's back to real life, but I am so glad that I put the time and effort into this trip. It helped heal my soul some, encouraged me to keep on growing, and assured me that, no matter where life may take me, there is a place where I can still return at any time to open and loving arms.
Friday started with getting to make a visit to Denise and John Jacobus (Denise was my 8th grade English teacher) at Ideuma Creek Alpacas. We missed the birth of a cria by only 10 minutes, and the kids got to pet some older cria. The animals were amazing, as was visiting with someone I haven't seen in FOREVER.
Then:
I had the great privilege of going to the place I consider home this weekend. While it is not the town in which I grew up, it is the town in which I grew my children. It was the first place where we settled down, made friends, joined a church, and really settled into a community. I had mixed feeling about this trip. I wasn't sure if I would walk out in tears, glad to have left, joyous, or a combination.
It was fun to see people I hadn't seen in a couple years, to eat at some of our favorite places, and to just look around and reminisce. We even got to go to our favorite water park, Roseland Water Park!
This morning, I went to church, MY church. This is the church that my children grew up in, and the first I had ever joined. Not much had changed, which is a good thing. Sometimes we just need to go back to what we have always known, just for comfort, kwim?
So, the weekend is over, it's back to real life, but I am so glad that I put the time and effort into this trip. It helped heal my soul some, encouraged me to keep on growing, and assured me that, no matter where life may take me, there is a place where I can still return at any time to open and loving arms.
Friday, July 8, 2011
New York Trip Day One
3 am - alarm goes off after 4 hours sleep
3:45 am - head out the door to the airport. Kids say goodbye to their daddy
4:50 am - eat breakfast while we wait for our 6 am flight
5:30 am - I try to sleep, Alex wants to look at baseball cards
5:45 am - board the plane, we got 2nd row Yeehaw!!!
8:30 am - arrive in Chicago for a 3 hour layover; Passed time by taking a nap, buying a $40 sweatshirt to keep me warm, and eating lunch
12:30 pm - back into plane to head for Albany
2:30 pm - welcome home!!!!!
For the first time ever, I thought I might cry the second I saw my parents. I didn't, but I was pretty surprised by that.
A long trip to Sidney, then spiedies for dinner YUM! I went to bed by 7, and left my parents to deal with the kids til midnight. The day was just too exhausting for me.
3:45 am - head out the door to the airport. Kids say goodbye to their daddy
4:50 am - eat breakfast while we wait for our 6 am flight
5:30 am - I try to sleep, Alex wants to look at baseball cards
5:45 am - board the plane, we got 2nd row Yeehaw!!!
8:30 am - arrive in Chicago for a 3 hour layover; Passed time by taking a nap, buying a $40 sweatshirt to keep me warm, and eating lunch
12:30 pm - back into plane to head for Albany
2:30 pm - welcome home!!!!!
For the first time ever, I thought I might cry the second I saw my parents. I didn't, but I was pretty surprised by that.
A long trip to Sidney, then spiedies for dinner YUM! I went to bed by 7, and left my parents to deal with the kids til midnight. The day was just too exhausting for me.
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