Non-iversary?

Monday, March 26, would have been my 12th wedding anniversary.  I haven't decided how to feel about that.  Right now, I feel pretty much nothing.  While I had been dreading this day all month, I had almost forgotten about it until I looked at a calendar yesterday.  I'm not feeling the nothing where your body, mind, and spirit are void of any emotion, but more of a "big deal" type feeling.

Tuesday, March 27, will mark the one year mark from me deciding, and telling Dan, that I wanted a divorce.  Of course, I've said it before, nobody "wants" divorce, but I felt like it was the lesser of several evils, and my hand was forced in this instance.  In the end, it was my decision, but lack of action on his part was a decision in itself.

Tuesday will also be the 15 year anniversary of our first date, to Utica Zoo, in New York State.  It was fun.  And look what it led to.  No, it didn't lead to divorce and misery.  It led to many years of a happy marriage, and a beautiful family for both of us to share and love.

Although I'm doing well now, this last year has been quite the roller coaster ride, as I expect is quite normal. I had my moments of extreme sadness and  happiness, regret and relief, seeming like it went by quickly and seeing it take forever. And even though there is still an occasional fleeting moment of sadness, I have recovered, healed, and moved on with my life. I've been told that I appear happier than I ever have, go figure.

In the past year, I have also seen a few friends go through this same process.  I am still not sure I'm not contagious.  Maybe because I'm a big fan of fake it til I make it, I make it seem too easy and non-chalant.  Or, maybe it's a sign of the times.  Either way, watching my friends go through it, kills me.  I know what they are likely feeling, and what is probably ahead of them.  I remember friends telling me certain things would happen, and I didn't believe them.  They were right, however.  So, I decided not to warn my friends, because it won't do any good anyway.  I spend a lot of time sitting and listening, and only advising when asked.  This part is so difficult for me, because I like to solve problems :)

Being a mom, my main concern, of course, is the well-being of my children.  If they're okay, I'm okay.  They are okay. What a relief! Nothing kills me more than seeing my babies hurting.  The fact that they have survived and done well, is something I am fairly proud of, and thankful to their father for.

So, there it was.  My pretty boring reflection on something that could have been so much more...exciting? Depressing? Interesting? I don't know what it could have been, but I know what it is.  This is something that happened in my life, what I consider a long time ago.  It's over and done with, meaning the days of worrying about it have been, and will continue to be, over.